WHY PARENTAL INFIDELITY SUPPORT IS IMPORTANT FOR KIDS
As every couple’s therapist knows, infidelity presents a serious relationship challenge. Parents struggling with infidelity face the work of managing their adult relationship, while also caring for their kids. Traditionally, treatment for unfaithful behavior focuses only on the couple, and not the family. While in the short-term, adding the kids into the mix may well feel overwhelming, in the long term, offering parental infidelity support to kids is in the best interest of everyone involved.
A SIMPLE DEFINITION OF INFIDELITY FOR KIDS (OF ANY AGE)
Infidelity is a slippery word and goes by many names include cheating, adultery, having an affair, and being unfaithful. Even researchers have a hard time defining it. So much so that this entire study was devoted to figuring out how people define infidelity. And this one asks if same sex couples and opposite sex couples understand infidelity differently (they do). It means different things to different people, depending on your gender choice, your sexual orientation, the country that you live in and the society within that country. For some people, infidelity means a sexual act with another person outside of a marriage. Others consider any emotional relationship that is larger than the connection with a chosen partner a sign of trouble. More recently, sexting can cross the line into cheating territory.
But for a kid whose parent has cheated, the definition is pretty simple. Infidelity breaches trust. Not only within the couple, but between the parent and the child.
Infidelity means that one person in the couple has violated the understanding of a monogamous relationship. In a family, the agreement between parents extends to the children. Children understand that there are rules to monogamy from the parents. When one of them breaks the agreement, it breaks the trust of everyone in the family. This violation exists regardless of the sexual orientation, gender, or culture of the couple, because it is about the agreement between people. If there is no agreement of monogamy, than there is no breach of trust.
As a therapist, you probably have your hands full helping the couple. Why should you also consider their kids? (or refer them to someone who can)
THERE ARE (POTENTIALLY) A LOT OF THEM
If up to 40% of married couples suffer through infidelity at some point, then there are a lot of kids out there who have trust issues. Additionally, as one study put it, infidelity is one of the biggest causes of marital strife and divorce, both of which have consequences for kids.
CHILDREN ARE FAR MORE AWARE OF INFIDELITY THAN THEY ARE GIVEN CREDIT FOR
Three separate studies published in 2016, 2017 and 2018 reported that between 24-40% of children knew of parental infidelity. The most common way kids learn about it? From another family member. The information is out there in the family, which means that kids will need to know how to cope with it.
PARENTAL INFIDELITY SUPPORT IS HARD TO FIND
Do you know any resources exclusively for kids grappling with infidelity? If you do, please tell me! I didn’t, so I created one.
THE WAYS KIDS COPE WITH INFIDELITY CAUSE ADDITIONAL STRESS ON PARENTS
There are some unique ways that kids cope with their knowledge of infidelity, such as refusing to call parents Mom and Dad, refusing to say “I love you”, and sometimes even refusing to see parents at all. Behavior like these can pile more stress onto parents. Watch for more details in a future post.
CHILDREN WITH UNFAITHFUL PARENTS ARE MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT
While the research has been consistent on this outcome since 1983, the most recent (2017) study indicated that children of infidelity are 2x more likely to cheat than kids raised in non-cheating homes. Here is an opportunity to be a fence at the top of the hill, rather than the ambulance at the bottom.
HOW A FAMILY DISCUSSES INFIDELITY HAS AS MUCH IMPACT AS THE AFFAIR ITSELF
Perhaps most importantly, this is the good news! Parental infidelity support for kids can assist with family resilience in the face of the challenge cheating presents. Therapists have the skills to help families cope with infidelity together. It’s time to bring the kids to the table and recognize parental infidelity for what it is, a family affair.