HOW TO SPOT A CHILD STRUGGLING WITH CHEATING PARENTS

A myriad of emotions arise for children when they discover their parents’ cheating. Some, like anger or confusion, most people understand. Others are less obvious, highlighting the complexity of adultery for a child. Remember that, as discussed in this post, parental infidelity results in a loss of trust between parents and their kids. In this post I offer a list of common, though not always obvious, emotions that kids with cheating parents feel. Then, I will explain some of the behaviors that can result.

ANGER AT THE CHEATING PARENT AND THE VICTIMIZED PARENT

Traditionally, everyone is angry with the cheating parents. For kids, the anger can permeate feelings for the victimized parent as well. Sometimes kids feel that the victimized parent pushed the cheating parent into the other relationship, or caused it in some way. There can also be anger towards the lover, particularly if the lover is someone close to the family.

CONFUSION

Confusion is everywhere for kids with unfaithful parents. Kids may feel like they need to pick a side, one parent or the other, and be unsure about which parent to side with. Then there are the bigger questions about right and wrong, as well as negativity about marriage or committed romantic relationships.

GUILT

Sometimes, the hurt is large enough that kids blame themselves as a way to try and take some control over the situation. Blaming themselves also allows kids to feel less anger towards their parents. It can also lead to kids acting as a mediator between their parents to maintain family harmony.

RELIEF

Research demonstrates that parent relationship satisfaction has a significant impact on kids’ perceptions of committed relationships and parent infidelity. If children observe that their parents are miserable together, they may feel grateful for the affair. Perhaps cheating was the escape hatch that one parent needed to get out of a relationship that is no longer working.

Here are some unique ways that kids cope with their feelings about parent infidelity.

HELLO, GLEN

Particularly when the family does not discuss the affair, kids enact their own communication rules to express their feelings, especially anger. One example is calling parents by their first names rather than mom or dad. Another is not using terms of endearment like saying ‘I love you’. The most poignant is the complete silent treatment, which allows the child to communicate disapproval while allowing the child to cope with the affair alone.

ANGRY OUTBURSTS

Silence cannot last forever. Often a child will refuse to speak until the emotions are too much to bear and the ‘fever breaks’ so to speak. Sometimes the child will use the information about the affair to inflict pain on the parents. If the affair is not spoken about, the child may resort to other sensitive or embarrassing information about the parent. Both of these are ways to indirectly communicate about the infidelity when the family will not discuss it openly.

YOU, CHEATING PARENT, SHALL NOT PASS

As children grow up and leave the family home, they may increasingly set ground rules for interaction with their parents. For example, kids may refuse to see Dad with his new wife who was his lover. Or, they may be willing to see her, but only in a neutral location like a cafe or restaurant, and not in the home.

Most often, parental infidelity is a taboo topic in families. Unfortunately, avoiding discussion about infidelity in families leads not only to the difficult feelings and behaviors addressed in this post. Research shows that it can also lead to increased rumination about the subject, increased family dissatisfaction, and even to physical health issues.

You can find additional research behind this post here and here.