What To Do When a Parent is Cheating Part 2
This post is especially for kids ages 12-17
You are the group that is the hardest hit by parent infidelity. Why? Because you are old enough to understand what is going on, but you are too young to leave. You are still dependent on your parents financially, you still need them to drive you to soccer practice, and you still need them emotionally.
While the finances and the logistics are important, it is the emotional support that you may well miss the most. It is common for parents coping with infidelity to check out just when you really need their help with your own relationships.
You are also old enough to believe that you can do something to help the situation. You may have discovered that your dad is cheating, but that your mom does not know, and you feel obligated to tell her. Should you tell your mom first? Confront your dad? Sit down with both of them together?
Should you confront your parents?
There is no one right answer.
A couple of thoughts.
There are many people in the online infidelity community who will tell you that you owe it to your betrayed parent to tell them what you know. The argument goes that the betrayed parent deserves to know the truth. Indeed, if you do not share this information, your betrayed parent could be angry with you for withholding information.
I disagree.
For two reasons.
Number 1: Revealing an affair can have big consequences
An affair can have a huge impact, on both an individual and family level. For example, unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, ending one relationship, beginning another, financial strain, emotional fallout.
You may be certain that one of your parents is having an affair, and have no idea of the far-reaching implications.
You may feel scared about what will happen if the affair comes to light. Will your family break up? Will one of your parents move out? Will someone involved be so angry as to act out in a way that is harmful, emotionally, physically, or financially?
None of this is your fault.
Even if you know about the affair and do not tell anyone.
Give yourself a lot of grace. Confronting a parent about their infidelity is super scary and there may be real consequences. Staying out of it is ok if you feel in any way unsafe or unsure or just plain frightened.
Because of…
Number 2: You have a lot less control than you think
As a child, even a ‘big kid’, the amount of control you have over your parents’ relationship is minimal.
Remember that your parents have a connection that at some level (probably many), has nothing to do with you. They may have agreements about polyamory that you do not know about. Your betrayed parent may well know about the cheating and accept it as part of life. Or, the betrayed parent may know about the cheating and not want to deal with it.
There is no way you have all of the information.
Your parents are the only ones who have any control over their relationship. As much as you may not like it.