What to do When A Parent is Cheating: Part 3
parent infidelity and secrecy
One often overlooked aspect of deciding to confront your parents about infidelity is secrecy. If you have found out that a parent is cheating, you are likely holding a secret. In this case, I am defining a secret as information that you specifically plan not to share with others.
It could have ramifications for your family if you share your parent infidelity secret. Or. it could change nothing. The (scary, I know) truth is, once you share the secret, you have no control over what happens next.
So, I am going to talk about what you can control, which is what you do with the secret inside yourself. Before you consider confronting your parents, you need to know a bit more about secrets and what they do to you on the inside.
Secrets and Your Brain
Most people know that keeping (some) secrets can be stressful, and biologically, this is because the act literally puts two different parts of our brains at odds. For more information, read my post on this here. All secrets have a life of their own, and not just those about parent infidelity. In fact, there is a new book by Michael Slepian that I am currently reading called, The Secret Life of Secrets.
According to Slepian, the most exhausting part of keeping a secret is not actually the fear that someone will find out the truth. It is the time you spend in your own head ruminating about the secret. While Slepian’s research does not specifically address children of infidelity, previous research does address the power of rumination about parent infidelity, and how it not only decreases a child’s well being, but also ruins the parent child relationship (we will get to this relationship aspect in a later post).
My Experience
Personally, I thought about my mom’s affair as a way to try and have some control. I thought, if I just keep thinking about it, I will find a way to solve it. I will figure out just the right thing to say, or the right timing, or the right person to tell, and I can fix it. I did this because the false belief that I had some control made me feel less helpless. I suppose it was a coping strategy.
In my case, there was nothing I could have done. When I finally did confront my parents, it made no difference whatsoever, because, like I said in the last post, I had no control over my parent’s relationship. Most likely, you do not either.
On top of that, by then, my brain was in the habit of ruminating on the affair, which only hurt me.
It may be that confronting your parents is the solution that will enable you to release your secret, stop you thinking about it, and move on with your life. It may also be that you are 13 and confronting your parents just comes with too much risk.