Two Moms Model How to Speak with the Kids

I recently listened to I.Am.The.Wife.’s podcast “About…D-Day and Children”. 

J, as she is called on the podcast, started the I.Am.The.Wife. blog back in 2019 after her husband cheated. P, her partner on the podcast, met J through the blog after her own husband’s affair. Both J and P have children who discovered the affairs at the same time their mothers did. For reference, D-Day is the term often used for the day that the affair comes to light.  

I have to start by commending both J and P for their honesty and bravery sharing their own D-Day stories. They each spoke with such vulnerability and grace.

There is this myth out there that there is no right way to speak with kids about a parent’s adultery. Not true. As someone who researches and writes about how a parent’s infidelity affects the kids, I think both J and P hit the important parts of communicating with kids about parent infidelity.

Honesty

Both J and P were up front with their kids about what was happening, in age-appropriate ways. They validated what their kids observed and how sad and emotional it was. Equally important, neither tried to hide their own difficult feelings of anger and despair from their kids. Rather, they normalized these feelings, thereby allowing their kids to express their own emotions.

Keep the Topic Open

They each checked in with their kids regularly over time about how they were feeling about the cheating. This is so important because as kids age, they have an increasing and often more nuanced understanding of what cheating means. Which can lead to different feelings and more questions.

Take Cues from Your Kids

J and P recognized that different kids process feelings uniquely and need different kinds of support. They acknowledged (and were not threatened by) the fact that often kids don’t want to talk about the affair, but want to get on with their own lives and have good days, even when their parents are having bad days. 

Keep the Kids out of the Middle

Amidst all of the negative feelings, both moms encouraged their kids to continue to have a relationship with their fathers, regardless of the parent’s relationship status. This is maybe the most important bit. Kids want to stay connected to both parents, and need permission to do that, especially from the betrayed parent. 

I would offer one bit of encouragement for both J and especially P. Research shows that Moms are typically the ones who talk about an affair with the kids and are usually the ones who help their kids through it. You are both doing that already and should give yourselves praise. Remember that your husbands’ relationships with your kids is their responsibility. That is work that they need to do. 

For more tips on how to speak with your kids about infidelity, check out this post: Help! I am a Parent! How Do I Speak with my Kids About Infidelity?