INFIDELITY AND THE FAMILY: TIPS FOR THERAPISTS

The inspiration for this post came from this research about using Structural Family Therapy to help families where one or both parents cheated. This is the only research I have found on family therapy and parent infidelity. I would love someone to tell me there is more! If you know of other research, please contact me.

A very brief summary of Structural Family Therapy: 

Argentinian Salvador Minuchin developed Structural Family therapy (SFT) in the 1960s as a way to work with therapeutic problems within the context of the family. Indeed, at its core, SFT assumes that, especially for children, the source of a child’s misbehavior lies with the family structure, including its hierarchy, boundaries, and interactions. 

Hierarchy refers to who is in charge. This includes financially, emotionally, logistically, to name a few. In a healthy family, the parents or caregivers (also known as the parent subsystem) are at the top of the hierarchy, as they are the ones making the money, organizing logistics and making and enforcing family rules. The child subsystem is at the bottom.

Boundaries refer to how close or distant family members are from each other, and the family as a unit is from people outside the family. In a healthy family, there is a boundary between parents and children that is diffuse enough to allow emotional connection and solid enough to allow parents to have an adult life and children to be kids. Similarly, a healthy family has diffuse enough boundaries to have emotionally fulfilling relationships with extended family and friends, but firm enough boundaries to not allow others to usurp time or resources from the family that do not feel good. 

Interaction refers to the physical, verbal, and non-verbal ways that families communicate. Some examples of non-verbal interactions include eye rolling, sighing, or repeated interruptions. 

A word About Bias

I admit my bias for SFT, even while acknowledging its shortcomings. I had the great fortune to study at the Minuchin Center for the Family in New York and watch Minuchin himself counsel a family, live (from behind a one-way mirror). It was like watching magic, the way he was able to shift the entire demeanor of the family by respectful joining, pointed yet light questioning, and physically shifting where people sat in the room to create in that moment a family with the parents in charge rather than the teens. 

While we are talking about bias, before working with parent infidelity in families, it is important for therapists to have acknowledged and begun healing on any of their own trauma or experiences with parent infidelity. 

While you can agree or disagree with SFT, it’s hard to argue its impact on family therapy treatment in the US. Hopefully even family therapists using different modalities will find some guidance here. 

If You Suspect Infidelity…Go Slow

Sometimes, when there is conflict between the parents that is too difficult for them to cope with, such as with cheating, they will identify the child as the problem in the family. This both allows the parents a distraction from the affair, and a way to work together for a common goal, their child. 

Perhaps the child is indeed breaking rules, and that needs to be addressed, so working as a team is not, in and of itself, a problem. The red flag is parents perpetuating the child’s behavior, because they need to continue to avoid the infidelity and feel like a team. Rather than diving into the conflict that coping with the affair will undoubtedly entail.

A simple example of this might be a child who is not doing their homework. The therapist works with the parents to help the child carve out a quiet space in the home and create a homework routine. Which works, until suddenly Dad needs to take over that quiet space to refinish furniture, or Mom steamrolls over the homework routine with social engagements. 

Typically in this situation, the parents view the kid as the problem, and will feel disrespected if you do not understand the problem as they present it. Better to connect with the parents first and build a relationship with them before challenging their opinion of the problem. One way to do this is…

Meet Separately

If you suspect infidelity, meet with the parents separately to discuss it. However, if they deny infidelity or do not want to discuss it, you need to respect their wishes. There is value to helping parents work together to help their child. It may give them the confidence they need to tackle other problems together, like infidelity.

Model Boundaries

Some couples may not be willing to discuss an affair in couples therapy, but will bring it up in family sessions. Model clear boundaries and steer them towards couples therapy. Reassure them that working on the parental relationship will also help the child.

if the Affair is OUT IN THE OPEN…Work with the Couple

Working through infidelity takes time. The focus in therapy should be on acknowledging the impact on the family and reorganizing the family to minimize impact. This often gets back to boundaries, and helping the couple to establish and maintain clear boundaries between parent and child subsystems so as not to overwhelm the children with their parents’ pain.

One way to do this in couple’s therapy is to have the parents discuss infidelity pretending that the kids are around, and a second time pretending the kids are not around. This allows them to see the distinction and what a healthy boundary might look like.  

With the Family…Begin By Supporting IT AS IS

This means building rapport with everyone in the family, including the cheating partner, even if this makes other family members bristle. Simultaneously, be careful not to send the message that the offending partner is not responsible for the infidelity.

For example, in a family where the father is the head of the household and also the cheating partner, the therapist might begin by building a relationship with the father because he is, for better or worse, at the top of the family hierarchy. By building rapport with him first, the therapist is maintaining the family system the way it is. 

In order for a family to even think about allowing a therapist to lead them to a different structure, they need to see that the therapist first understands the family structure as it is. This helps the family feel seen and understood, even as it may make some of the family members angry. Because it is anger at the truth of the situation, not at the therapist. 

Again, I stress, it is equally important to build rapport with everyone in the family, as it will highlight how infidelity is not just one person’s problem, but something that affects the entire family. 

Knock them Off Balance

Sometimes, the family needs help questioning the certainty of what the problem is. For example, if they are certain that the problem is the child not doing their homework, then challenging them in a playful way can open up some room for uncertainty, and consequently, change.

Example include, ‘‘So, you were finally successful in getting your parents to come to therapy.’’ and ‘‘How are you able to focus on your relationship with so much attention placed on your child?’’ 

Sometimes, introducing a different term for the problem can also help. An example is to use the term 'uninvited guest’ for the affair partner. This term drives home the way that a family’s boundaries have been violated by the affair.

Model Boundaries

I will say it again, because it is so important. It is common in families suffering from infidelity that one or more of the children will be drawn into the parent subsystem by the betrayed parent. Sometimes the betrayed parent looks to the children for emotional support or to help spy on the cheating parent. This is not a healthy place for a child to be.

A family therapist can help break up the coalition between the child and the betrayed parent to establish boundaries between parent and child subsystems. One technique is to physically move people around in the room, putting the parents next to each other and the child further away. Another is to have parents tell the child to leave the room so that they can discuss the infidelity.

IN THE END

How a family discusses infidelity has as much impact on the family as the affair itself. Therapists are in the unique position to help structure that discussion. It is my plan that the Outgrow Infidelity Project will help bring more resources to therapists to support this important work.

Reference: Negash, Sesen & Morgan, Martha. (2016). A Family Affair: Examining the Impact of Parental Infidelity on Children Using a Structural Family Therapy Framework. Contemporary Family Therapy. 38. 10.1007/s10591-015-9364-4.