FOUR BOOKS TO HELP KIDS OF INFIDELITY
A Good Place to Start
Parents Who Cheat by Dr. Ana Nogales
Probably the most well-known book about the effects of parent affairs on children, Dr. Nogales is a psychologist with over 30 years of clinical practice experience. In the introduction, she writes: I felt compelled to write this book because I believe the effect of parental infidelity on children of all ages is a profoundly important issue that has been largely ignored. To complement her practice experience, Nogales reports on the survey that she created and the results from the 822 kids of all ages who responded.
Read this book to get a good overview of issues facing children of infidelity and some suggestions for how to heal and how to help.
To Better Understand Intergenerational Infidelity
Infidelity by Ann Pearlman
In this memoir, Pearlman writes beautifully about her experience growing up with a cheating father, and then suffering through her husband’s infidelity. In addition to being a good story, Pearlman pieces together the highs and lows of her parents’ relationship and how those patterns shaped her own ideas about love and marriage.
Read this book to better understand how parent infidelity plays out in the children’s adult relationships.
To Reconcile with your cheating parents
The Burning Light of Two Stars by Laura Davis
While there is no actual cheating in this book, children of infidelity will find this story of reconnection helpful. Davis herself is an incest survivor with a mother who does not believe her. This is the story of how Davis and her mother find a path to reconciliation. Any child who has felt the intense anger that comes with parent infidelity, or has cut off ties with a cheating parent, will identify with Davis’ challenge. While reconciliation is certainly not for everyone, Davis offers a necessarily messy and authentic path that works for her.
Read this if you have been angry with your parents about infidelity but are considering reconciliation.
For Parents Looking to help their Kids
How to Talk so Kids WIll Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Another one not about infidelity, but about opening up conversations with your kids. It is short, simple, and easy to use. It even has cartoons! Often kids who experience parent infidelity clam up so tightly about it that getting them to open up feels impossible. Even when talking about it is exactly what will make them feel better. This book suggest ways to let your kids know that you are available for them, without pushing them to talk before they are ready.
As a parent of three (ages 12-18) I have come back to this book repeatedly over my parenting career. Indeed, it is the only book on parenting I have ever found helpful.
Read this if you are a parent who is trying to help your kids wade through the messiness of an affair. Or even just the messiness of life (isn’t that most parents?).
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