Six Ways to be Accountable to your Kids After an Affair

Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash

Welcome to Part 3 of this 7 part series on Rebuilding Trust in the Parent-Child Relationship after Parent Infidelity. This post is especially for parents who have decided to stay together after infidelity. Click for Part 1 on Boundaries and Part 2 on Reliability. 

Accountability means that you own your mistakes, apologize and make amends for them. Implicitly, accountability acknowledges that people make mistakes in relationships. These mistakes do not need to mean that a relationship ends. Accountability also implies that both people in a relationship are allowed to make mistakes and have the opportunity to fess up to them, apologize and make amends, without being immediately shut down. 

When parents agree to try and stay together after an affair, accountability is paramount. Most betrayal trauma literature agrees that the betrayer must own their behavior, apologize and make amends (often repeatedly, see the post on Reliability) in order for the relationship to move forward.

I would argue that the betrayer should take a similar approach with their children, for the family to move forward. 

Any brief Google search will tell you that therapists and researchers disagree widely about if, when, and how to share parent infidelity with the kids. I have my own opinion that I share here. Assuming that you and your partner are trying to stay together, there is a greater chance that your kids, especially if they are teens, will need to know why all the turmoil but no divorce. 

Here are 6 ways that you as the cheating partner can be accountable to your kids after parent infidelity:

1. Own the cheating, then follow your kids’ lead

While you may need to detail for your partner all of your indiscretions, sharing those details with your kids will not help. What they need to know is that you cheated, that you are sorry for it, and that you are working it out with their other parent. From there, some kids will ask for more information, and some will not. While you will need to use your own discretion about what additional information to share, be honest. It is much better to say, “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that information.” instead of “No that did not happen.” when it actually did. Especially with current technology, kids often have to means to discover lies.

2. ALLOW THEIR FEELINGS

Within the same family, each child can react differently to the news of an affair, depending on their age, stage, gender, and temperament, to name a few. Allow kids to be feel what they feel, which may be angry and outspoken. Like the betrayed partner, the kids may need to be angry and lash out at you for awhile, and they need to be in charge of dictating when that period ends. Others may be sad or distant, and others may genuinely feel that it is no big deal, that it is ‘parent stuff’. Be ready for anything.

3. Keep your Partner out of it

Kids need to know that their parents are working out their problems, but do not need the details. This includes any ambivalent feelings your have towards your partner or the process of reconciliation.

4. Be accountable even for small things

Continue to be open and transparent with your kids about the things that matter to them. If you forget to walk the dog, tell them. You willingness to hold yourself accountable for even the small bits of life will help your kids to trust you more.

5. Teach Them Accountability

When your kids make mistakes, teach them to be accountable. Did they steal cookies out of their friend’s lunchbox? They need to fess up, apologize, and make amends, maybe by replacing the cookies. This not only teaches your kids the important habit of accountability, but allows them to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that it does not need to be the end of a relationship. Like, a parent can cheat, and the couple can stay together.

6. Help them Manage Emotions

Teach them how to take charge of their own emotions and manage them. For example, if your child took those cookies because he was mad at his friend, what is another way that he can cope with that anger? Can he talk with another friend, take some deep breaths, draw a picture, run around? There are loads of ways to cope with difficult emotions. 

Being accountable is hard work, but worth it. Your willingness to be accountable to your kids will not only help to rebuild trust with them, but with your partner as well.

Next up in the series, the importance of VULNERABILITY to rebuild trust.