How to Rebuild Trust with you Kids After Parent Infidelity
Photo by Dana Marin (Amsterdamian) on Unsplash
You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
For the next part of this series on rebuilding trust in the parent-child relationship after parent infidelity, we will be looking at Brene Brown’s second element of trust, RELIABILITY. Click here for Part 1 on BOUNDARIES.
Simply put, reliability means doing what you say you are going to do. Not just once, but over and over again, so that others expect it of you. Many children of infidelity feel that one or both parents are not reliable. The good news for parents is that there are small, manageable steps that you can take to be more reliable for your kids, which will help rebuild trust with them.
Take your Role as a Parent Seriously
If your best friend loses her mother, you attend the funeral. You do this without your friend having to ask you to, even if you have other plans, and regardless of how sad you may feel, because that is part of being a good friend. Similarly, being a reliable parent means supporting your kid without having to be asked, and regardless of how inconvenient or uncomfortable it may be for you. While there is no shortage of parenting advice out there on how to support a child, start with these few simple actions (much more noticeable to a child than your words) that will go a long way towards building trust.
Be On Time
This seems simple. If you agree to pick up your child at 3:00 pm, be there at 3:00 pm. But, life being what it is, things come up. There is a solution that maintains reliability.
Communicate Proactively
As a new mom with a three-month-old baby, I could not be anywhere on time. Eventually, I learned to explain this when I made plans, and to set only a tentative time in advance, confirming a specific time on the day of the meeting.
Ideally, if you are going to be late, you can let your child know. But an even better solution is to let your child know ahead of time if there is any potential conflict. For example, “I plan to be there at 3:00 pm to get you. Just know that I have a meeting at 2:00 pm that is sometimes hard to get out of, so if I am a few minutes late, that is why.”
This not only models reliability, but also demonstrates how to cope with the reality of life not always going as planned.
Know your Limits
If reliability means doing what you say you are going to do, then you need to know what is actually feasible for you to accomplish. Part of this is being aware of your schedule and how much time something will take, like in the meeting example above. It also means knowing what is realistic for you to take on in a given day, and being willing to say no. For example, maybe you need to reschedule that 2:00 pm meeting in order to pick up at 3:00 pm. Or maybe you need to ask your child to hang out in a safe place for 30 minutes until you can get there for pickup. Being reliable does not mean giving your child everything they want, when they want it. It means honestly negotiating with them about what is realistic on any given day. Sometimes, that 2:00 pm meeting is more important than a 3:00 pm pick up, and being reliable means asking your child to wait.
Be Reliable to Yourself
Do you do for yourself what you say you will? For example, do you regularly reward yourself with that hot bath at the end of a stressful day? Sometimes the best way to know what reliability means is to notice what you feel like when you commit to yourself. Similarly, surrounding yourself with reliable people will not only help you feel more supported, it will help you understand how important reliability is in relationships, including the one with your kids.
Rebuilding trust with your child after an affair is about holding your title as Mom or Dad above the inconsistencies of life. Reliable parenting means being on time for that pick up, in spite of knotted lights, lost luggage, or a rainy day.
Stay tuned for the next post on ACCOUNTABILITY.