5 WAYS TO START A HARD CONVERSATION
We’ve all been there. We have something difficult we need to say to, or ask, someone we love deeply. We are dreading it, but we know it needs to happen. We are scared to death. Of hurting. Of hurting them. Of being vulnerable, or being yelled at, or ruining the relationship forever.
I wish I could tell you that there is some magical way that you can have this conversation without fear. There isn’t. If the conversation is important enough (and if you are reading this, it probably is), the only way through is to prepare as best you can, and then take a deep breath and do it.
This post is to help you prepare. Here are 5 ways to start a hard conversation.
Don’t plan it
Unless you are wildly different from most people, hearing those three little words “Can we talk?” send fear up and down your spine. The only thing that makes it worse is, “I have something to speak with you about, can we plan a time?” This strategy will only up your loved one’s anxiety about what might be coming (especially if they are a teenager). Instead, do your best to sort out if it might be a good time for them, and then jump right in. Even if you have to pause the conversation, getting it started will avoid the anxiety of anticipation.
Lead with Curiosity
If you are trying to hear more about how your loved one feels about an issue, start with some open-ended questions.
I am hoping we can talk about (issue), because I would really like to know more about how you are feeling about it.
What are your biggest frustrations or fears?
What confuses you?
What is your understanding of (issue)?
Once they start talking, resist the urge to add your thought or opinions. Ask follow up questions that invite your loved one to go deeper, such as:
That’s really interesting. Can you say more about that?
What do you mean by that?
Why do you say that?
What does all of this mean to you?
What is the more difficult part for you?
Summarize and Reflect
Another great strategy is to pause and summarize what your loved one has said, to be sure that you understand. This has two huge benefits. One, it ensures that you actually do understand what was said, AND it helps your loved one trust that you have heard them accurately. Here are some examples:
So, let me see if I understand. You said that what pisses you off the most (it can also help to use the language that resonates with them) is that your dad moved out without telling you, is that right?
Tell me where I am wrong here, but I think you are saying that you wish I would knock three times before I enter your room?
Questions like these help enormously to bring you and your loved one to a better understanding.
Know your Motives
If the conversation is about you sharing difficult information, make sure you are clear about:
What you want to communicate, and what you do NOT want to share. This is especially important for parents who need to disclose something to a teen, but the whole story is too much.
What are your motives? Every difficult conversation should have purpose and goals. Establishing these will also help you decide if the conversation was a ‘success’ or not, and if you need to circle back to the topic again
Reality. As best you can, you want your goals to be aligned with your loved one’s reality. This includes their age, stage, and bandwidth. If it is an especially overwhelming topic, start small.
Rest Assured, People Crave Being Heard
A 2012 study by neuroscientists at Harvard found that people generally found more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money. We are social creatures who crave connection, especially with people we love. By starting this conversation that you don’t want to have, and then listening deeply, you are giving your loved one an opportunity to share about themselves and then find that they can be seen, heard and loved.
That is a great gift.
For more tips on having hard conversations, check out these two blog posts: