It's Not Just About the Affair: Helping Daughters Caught in the Middle
I think I’ve finally figured out how I can best use my experience and expertise to help adult children struggling with a parent’s affair—and it’s not what I expected when I started this blog.
When I launched this website in 2020, it was a place to process and share all the scholarly research I was consuming about the impact of parental infidelity on children. Since then, thousands of people have visited, and I’m proud of the resource it’s become. I’ve heard from hundreds of adult children of infidelity. They’ve told me about their pain, their confusion, their needs, and their hopes.
At first, I assumed the most important thing they needed was help coping with the infidelity itself. And in the short term, that’s true. Questions like: How do I confront my dad about his affair? or Should I tell my kids about what my mom did? These are real, immediate concerns. That’s what this blog—and the Reddit community—have helped answer.
But over time, I’ve come to understand that the long-term needs are very different.
The fallout from a parent’s affair is complex and varies from person to person. Some adult children struggle to trust others. Some find themselves in relationships where they’re cheated on—or they become the one who cheats. Others feel stuck in painful dynamics with their parents or siblings.
But here’s what I’ve learned: most of the long-term harm doesn’t actually come from the affair itself. It comes from the parent dysfunction that allowed the affair to happen in the first place.
And that makes sense, right? Affairs are often symptoms of deeper problems—loneliness, miscommunication, resentment, or feeling trapped. These issues don’t just affect the couple; they impact the whole family system, especially the children.
Even if the affair ends… even if the parents stay together… those dysfunctional patterns often persist. They linger in the background and shape how the children—especially daughters—grow up and relate to the world.
Three recurring themes seem to drive the most distress:
1. The parents are deeply unhappy together.
2. They lack the interest or skills to communicate effectively.
3. They feel stuck—by family, financial pressures, religion, or social expectations.
These problems don’t just cause infidelity; they lead parents to rely on their kids in unhealthy ways. Adult children—especially daughters—are often put in the middle. They’re asked to:
Be a source of emotional support
Listen to complaints about the other parent
Keep secrets about the affair
Act as a mediator
Help fix the marriage
And because daughters are often socialized to be emotional caretakers, they step in. They help. They sacrifice. They believe it’s their job.
She grows up believing that if she just supports her parents enough—gets them into counseling, helps her mom through another breakdown—they’ll finally be okay. Then maybe she can have her own life.
But when she tries to set boundaries, she’s ignored. When she pulls back, she feels guilty. Her parents bulldoze her limits. She ends up feeling like the only way out is to pull away entirely—maybe even go low or no contact—just to protect her mental health. Just so her partner will stop sighing every time she mentions her family.
But that’s not what she wants. What she wants—desperately—is for her family to get along. To be together in a way that feels peaceful. And to be able to live her own life without drowning in guilt.
So… what does she do?
This is where I can help.
Because this was my story. For a long time, I thought it was about the affair. And to some extent, it was. But the real healing came when I stopped playing the role my family had placed me in. When I learned how to step out of the middle and build something healthier for myself.
And here’s what I want you to know: it is possible.
You can have a peaceful relationship with your family.
You can find the right level of contact for you.
You can let your parents do their own work—or not—without catastrophic consequences.
If this resonates with you, please contact me. I can help.