6 Ways to Build Trust with a Hard Conversation
Respect is like air, when it is present no one notices,
when it is absent, it is all anyone can think about.
from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High
Talking about your parent’s affair is a series of difficult conversations.
With your parents, your extended family, your friends, your community, not to mention the one you have with the person you start dating.
In my last post, I wrote about how to have casual conversations that build trust. This month, again with the help of David Brook’s How to Know a Person, we will look at six tips to build trust with difficult conversations.
Think about the Conditions
This includes the place, the time of day, as well as the mental and emotional state of the people involved. For example, my kids know better than to ask me a challenging question right before dinner.
I regularly recommend that if an adult child has recently discovered that one parent is cheating and is unsure how to disclose the information, that they speak with both parents at the same time. While this adds a layer of complexity (not to mention anxiety), it actually serves to build trust. Why? Because you are bringing all of the involved parties and allowing them to hear identical information. It also takes you out of the middle to avoid miscommunication later. For more on how to do this, read this post.
Clarify your own Motives
Every conversation has purpose and goals. Right after DDay, You should know what your goal is with every person you disclose the affair to. Are you venting? Trying to get your dad to change his behavior? Looking for an ally in a friend or family member? Talking about your parent’s affair with others can be super…unsatisfying. The clearer you are about what you are trying to achieve, the more fulfilling the conversation will be for you, and it will help you to manage your own expectations.
Find the Disagreement Under the Disagreement
When you inevitably run into disagreement, rather than continuing the bombard each other with facts in an effort to turn the other person, ask why they believe as they do? For example, if your mom refuses to believe that the 143 naked photos of your dad’s lover that you found are all a lie, rather than yell at her in disbelief, ask her why she doesn’t believe it. If your goal is to convince your mom of the truth and she fights you, the best way is through sensitive questions. Which leads us to...
The Other Person's Frame
Brooks talks about how people tend to stay in their own comfort zone (or frame) during hard conversations. Understandably. But the reality is, the more you can hop between your frame and the other person's, the more successful you will be in reaching an agreement. By making the effort to pause in the other person's reality, you will both be better able to understand where they are coming from AND you will demonstrate your respect for their frame. Please note, this does not mean that you agree with their frame. You can understand the other person and still disagree with them, or believe that their behavior was wrong.
Revisit the Gem Statement
Another strategy for when you feel at an impasse is to return verbally to the thing that you do agree on. It is a reset button, in a way, as it works to remind you that you are both trying to get to the same solution. For example, "Aunt Bea, I know you don't want to hear that my dad cheated, but I also know we both love our family and want it to remain strong."
Prioritize Respect
Brooks points out that there are two levels to every conversation, the words we say and the emotions that get transmitted as we talk. With every comment each person is making the other feel either a little more safe or a little more threatened. Respect can be increased or decimated not just by words, but by tone of voice, eye contact, inflection, and body language, to name a few. Think of a situation you have been in where the words were respectful, but you felt disrespected. Happens all the time.
This is part of the reason that it is so important to have hard conversations in person. Because even if you are saying words that are hard to hear, you can use other tools to communicate respect and love.
Talking about your parent’s affair is going to make you feel threatened. When having the conversations with anyone, pay attention to how they make you feel. A close friend or ally should make ou feel safe, even if they fumble with their words. Also keep tabs on how your parents make you feel as you move through the conversations with them. It could be that mom says she does not believe the photos, but her body language communicates relief that you told her.
As hard as it may be to believe, the research repeatedly shows that how a family discusses infidelity is as important to the health of a family as the affair itself. Sometimes the rupture of an affair can be transmuted to a way to forge deeper bonds. When all else fails, try using Brooks' words: We have exposed some strong emotions and our hearts are on the table, we have a chance to understand each other better.
If you try any of these tips I would love to know how they go for you! Leave me a comment here or find me on Instagram. Thank you so much!
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