IN PLAIN ENGLISH: Ruminating on Parent Infidelity
This is a research round up of two related studies by the same author. Both look at the concepts of feeling caught between parents (also known as triangulation), and at rumination as it relates to parent infidelity.
Feeling caught between parents means that parents put the kids in the middle of their argument or that family members are pitted against each other in some way, causing a loyalty conflict for the child.
To ruminate on something means to go over and over it again in your mind. These studies look at the effects of a child’s rumination about parent infidelity over a long period of time.
WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?
How does a parent encouraging a child to feel caught between parents effect a child’s well being?
How does a child’s rumination on parent infidelity effect both their well being and their relationship with their parents?
How does the parents’ marital status post infidelity effect the child’s experiences of feeling caught, rumination about a parent’s infidelity, and quality of relationship with their parents?
WHO DID THEY ASK?
Four qualifying criteria for both studies:
be at least 19 years old
indicate that one or both of their parents engaged in infidelity while their parents were married to each other
report that they discovered this information while their unfaithful parent was still living
report that their unfaithful parent was aware that they knew of this extramarital relationship.
Study 1: 139 people ages 19-64
32 men, 106 women
80% White
Study 2: 215 ages 19-86
74% female
mostly fathers had cheated
60% of parents had divorced
It is important to note that this study was heteronormative and that over 80% of unfaithful parents were fathers and over 70% of the adult children who participated in this study identified as female. Thus, this study is limited in that most were daughters reflecting on their mother’s specific efforts to make them feel caught, and ruminating on their father’s infidelity,
WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?
Volunteers solicited from a large Midwestern University in the United States, as well as social networks, online groups, message boards
WHEN?
Both studies were published in 2020
WHY?
The author points to previous research which says that knowledge of parental infidelity over time is linked to grief and anxiety, and that it leads to poorer relationships between parents and their adult children.
WHAT WAS LEARNED?
Feeling caught will negatively effect child well-being
Feeling caught also increases rumination, which further decreases well being, AND reduces the quality of the parent child relationship
All of this remains true regardless of the parents’ marital status
IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER, OR HELPER:
The study recommends structural family therapy (SFT) because parent infidelity ripples through the family system. Consider that if children are encouraged or prohibited from speaking with family members about the infidelity that may influence rumination.
IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY:
It does not matter if you remain together as a couple after infidelity, or split. Keeping your kids out of the middle is critical to both their well being and your long-term relationship with them.
IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS:
This study reiterates that your experience with parent infidelity are both important and valid. It also may be helpful to try and manage how much you think about your parents’ infidelity, as the study shows that less rumination means increased well being.
Reference:
Allison R. Thorson (2020): Triangulation and Parental Infidelity:
Faithful Parents’ Attempts to Make Their Adult Children Feel Caught, Rumination, and Satisfaction in the Unfaithful Parent–Child Relationship, Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2020.1833293
AND
Rumination’s Mediating Effect on Feeling Caught and Well-Being After Parental Infidelity: An Emerging Ideas Brief Report
Allison R. Thorson, PhD
Family Relations (2020)
CNH90/-0000.e]qd-014/8