I am the Betrayed Parent. Why are my Kids Angry with Me?
Thank you to Ayrus Hill on Unsplash for the photo
One of the questions I get the most is:
I am the betrayed parent. I did not do anything wrong. Why are my kids angry with me?
While each family situation is unique, this kind of reaction from your kids is common, and generally, it is not about you. In this post I offer the two most common reasons kids (of any age) blame the betrayed parent, and what you can do to cope with it.
The most common reason that a child may blame the betrayed parent for the affair is indiscriminate anger. Infidelity wreaks such havoc on a family, and often kids feel like it is a big mess and their parents are at the root of it, regardless of which parents cheated.
Another possibility is the child’s need to feel ok about loving both parents. Particularly if a child is close with the cheating parent, OR if the child identifies with that parent (say, the only son in a family where the dad cheats), then they may try to place blame on the betrayed parent so they can to continue to love the cheating parent without feeling guilty.
So, How to Cope?
As with a lot of coping, part of it is what you say to yourself, and part of it is what you say to your kids.
What to Say to Yourself
Acknowledge your hurt feelings, and give yourself a lot of grace for having to parent well even when your child’s anger hurts you.
Remember that your child’s reaction is likely based on the child’s feelings of hurt, fear and despair, and has little to do with the facts of the affair. Try not to take the anger personally.
What to Say to Your Kids
Acknowledge your child’s angry feelings. I know this situation is terrible, and you have every right to be angry. I understand that you are angry at me and your mom, and that is normal.
Be clear about your own boundaries, especially with older children (age 12+). Just because your child blames you, it does not mean that you need to accept that blame. I know that your dad and I did not have a perfect relationship, and we are both responsible for that. I had nothing to do with your father’s choice to cheat, and I will not accept blame for that. It is important to model for your kids the distinction between problems in a partnership, which both people are part of, and a decision to cheat, which is the choice of the cheating partner alone.
Release your child to have a relationship with the cheating parent and the affair partner (if safe and possible, of course), without any guilt from you. This may feel like you are condoning your partner’s behavior, but in reality you are acknowledging that your child is going to continue to love the cheating parent, because that is what kids do. They love their parents, often despite bad behavior. You also open the way for the conflict to be about the cheating parent’s behavior, rather than the faithful parent keeping the child away from the cheating parent.
Reaffirm your love for your child and your willingness to discuss the affair.
What to Watch Out For
Especially for teens and young adults, trying to force a conversation will only push them farther away. Instead, try to be the kind of person they want to talk with. Think about the people that you turned to when the affair came to light. I am guessing that they were loving, patient and accepting. Be those things for your children, and you increase the chances that they will come to you to discuss their feelings about the affair.
Also keep in mind that different kids react differently to parent infidelity, depending on their age and their personality. For more, watch this video by Esther Perel. You can be doing all the right things and your kids still may not want to talk about the affair with you. It may take more time, or it may just be something that is outside of your control.
I can tell you this from my experience, when infidelity happens, kids are angry and scared and confused, and they want someone to blame. But what they want more than that is to love their parents. Over time, most kids see that an affair is not the end of their world, that the betrayed parent is not to blame, and that they can love their parents regardless of the affair.