How to Hold Your Boundaries with a Cheating Parent
Photo by Erin Larson on Unsplash
Boundaries are an important part of trust in any relationship. Regardless of the details of the infidelity…which parent cheated, what they did to cheat, or how the relationship ended or continued…one common thread of parent infidelity for kids is the issue of trust.
Parents who have made a commitment to each other, either through a formal marriage contract or simply by agreement, have by extension, drawn their child into that contract. The family expectation is that the parents will remain committed to each other. When that does not happen there is a breach of trust, not just between the parents, but within the family.
Trust is crucial to relationships, and rebuilding it once it is broken can be tricky. As such, my next series of blog posts will explore the nature of trust in the parent-child relationship when parent infidelity has occurred.
As a framework, I will use Brene Brown’s 7 Elements elements of trust, known as BRAVING:
Boundaries
Reliability
Accountability
Vault
Integrity
NonJudgement
Generosity
I like her definition of trust because it breaks down a difficult concept into concrete behaviors. For more on Brene Brown’s research on trust, click here.
To summarize, Brown’s research has found that trust is both built and broken in small moments and actions. For example, trust can be built by simple (if unexpected) things like remembering someone’s grandmother’s full name. By the same token, betrayal also occurs in small doses. The time when you see that your friend is calling you for help, but you choose not to answer and take a bath instead.
Children of infidelity so often…incorrectly…see a parent’s affair as an isolated incident, when it is actually only one part of the bigger picture. Like, Dad is great in every way except that he cheated on Mom. Upon reflection, kids often recall ways that Dad betrayed Mom in dozens of little ways before the affair. Think of an affair as a climax to a way of living life, rather than a blip on the radar.
The bad news in this example is that Dad lives his life in a pattern that means he chooses to dismantle trust rather than build it. The good news is that turning that behavior around can be done in small, easily identifiable ways. It’s not rocket science he has to learn or a mysterious trustworthy air that he has to embody. He can learn to take small concrete steps. With all this in mind, let’s jump into the first element of trust:
Boundaries
Brown is pretty clear on how boundaries create relationships with trust.
You will be clear about your boundaries, and hold them
I will be clear about my boundaries and you will respect them
If either of us is unsure, it’s ok to ask
Either one of us can say no
Let’s break this all down as it relates to parent infidelity. I will start with explaining what boundaries are.
Boundaries are the imaginary lines that you draw around yourself. They can be things that help keep you safe physically, like, I will not go outside during a hurricane, no matter what. They can also be things that keep you safe emotionally, like I will only seek friendships with people who initiate contact as often as I do. Boundaries can even be simply about who you are and what you need in life. One of my personal favorite boundaries is, I will sleep for at least 8 hours every night.
Ideally, your boundaries are strong enough to keep you feeling good and healthy, but permeable enough to bob and weave with life. For example, while I make it a priority to sleep for 8 hours nightly, I make exceptions for say, attending a wedding or a friend who is coming into town unexpectedly.
What is most important to know about boundaries is that there are no right or wrong answers. Your boundaries should be what make you comfortable, and that will be different for every person. Sounds simple, right? So how does they become such a battle?
Why Establishing boundaries can be so difficult
Conflicting Priorities: Sometimes it can be hard to know what your boundaries are. Going back to my sleep example, I knew in college that I needed those 8 hours, but there were so many interesting late-night opportunities, it was hard to articulate that sleep was a priority for me.
Outside pressure: “Come on! It will be such a great movie/party/restaurant! You can sleep next week!” The friend who wants you to join the party because they do not want to go alone is thinking of themselves, but also might not realize how important sleep is to you. Also, do not minimize the effects of cultural pressure. For example, I grew up with the idea that a to-do list should come before rest, so prioritizing sleep always felt slightly wrong.
Boundaries and Parent Infidelity
Parents mired in infidelity often do not have strong enough boundaries with their kids. Common examples are parents who ask kids to keep the secret of the affair, or parents who use their kids as confidants for their feelings or behaviors. Put another way, in any situation where the kiddo is put in the middle between the parents, or is taking on an emotional role that is meant for an adult, a boundary is crossed.
The best way to fix this is for the parents to stop using the child as a mediator and speak with each other directly, or to lean on adult friends or family member. In the belly of an infidelity, this can be really hard for parents to do, and they may not come around soon enough for the child.
So, especially for an adult child of infidelity, it’s time to set some boundaries. Here are some examples:
Mom, please do not ask me to speak with Dad for you. You are both adults and need to mange your own relationship.
Dad, I will not keep your affair secret any longer. I cannot have a relationship with you until you tell Mom the truth.
Mommy, I do not want to hear about how angry you are with Mom for what she did to you. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
I know that stating these boundaries to cheating parents can be. incredibly. difficult.
When Parents Push your Boundaries
If stating boundaries is challenging, then holding them can be even more so. For the simple reason that holding boundaries gets increasingly difficult the more people try to push them, because it means that you have to sit with increasing discomfort and/or up the ante with your boundary.
To illustrate the increasing discomfort bit, I will use the screaming child analogy.
Let’s say that I let my daughter watch Elmo every day at 4:00 pm. But over time, I decide that she is watching too many screens, so I tell her, no more Elmo. She cries. Then she wails. Then she screams. Then she throws herself on the floor and hollers for all she is worth. Eventually, she quiets down and goes into a chair with a book.
If I had folded at any point and given into her, she would learn that I did not hold my boundary, which would make it harder the next time I tried to turn off Elmo. Holding boundaries is about being able to sit with the discomfort when people are screaming at you.
For example, maybe you tell Mom that you will no longer talk to Dad for her. She starts to cry and wail and tell you how she is so tired and overwhelmed, how come you can’t just help her out. You hold your boundary and say no. So she tries yelling at you, what a terrible daughter you are, how could you abandon her like this. You hold your boundary and say no. She enlists your Aunt to speak with you and plead on your mother’s behalf. You continue to hold your boundary and say no.
Eventually, your mom may give up and stop challenging your boundary.
The other option is that you will need to up the ante and create a firmer boundary. For example, Mom, if you continue to enlist family members to try and strong arm me into talking to Dad for you, I will need to stop speaking with you for a while.
This can be incredibly hard to do. Incredibly. I think it is why so many people give up on boundaries, because people that they love do not respect them, and continuing to stay strong and hold that boundary is exhausting and sad. The reward for doing so in greater trust in security in yourself. You learn that you can trust yourself to prioritize your health over the inappropriate needs of others. So don’t give up!
Tips for Holding Boundaries with a Cheating Parent
Get clear about what your boundaries are. Ask others what they use. Journal about some things that are important to you. Don’t expect to come up with a complete list all at once. You may have some that you need to test out and change with experience.
Practice talking about them. With friends or even in front of a mirror. Also think about what lengths you will go to if the boundary is challenged. Again, there are no right and wrong answers here.
Start small. If you are still in your parents home and/or are dependent on them emotionally, financially or logistically, recognize that holding boundaries will be difficult. If you cannot ask Mom to stop asking you to speak with Dad, start with a smaller boundary. Mom, I need to go for a walk every day after school to clear my head before I can help you. It will give you the practice setting boundaries, and her the practice respecting them, before you get to the really emotional heavy hitters.
Setting, holding, and shifting your boundaries will be a life-long project. They will change and mold to who you are at different ages and stages in life. So be patient with yourself.
Stay tuned for the next post on the second element of trust: Reliability.