How to Help Your Parents after Their Infidelity
One of your parents has cheated on the other one. The secret comes out.
You want to help.
What do you do?
This is definitely the question I have been asked the most. Ideally, a child shouldn’t need to support their parents through their infidelity journey. Research has repeatedly demonstrated that children are healthier when they are not coping with their parents’ relationship issues. This is the real world though, so…
Couples generally go through a few predictable stages after an affair is discovered. How you help depends on which stage your parents are in. I have simplified the stages so they are more relevant for kids (of any age) and extended families.
Stage 1: Discovery (0-6 weeks)
Task: Support and Stabilize
When the truth of infidelity comes out, it throws the couple, and often the entire family, into crisis mode. Some common examples include:
Emotional and/or physical inability to function. This can look like the betrayed parent not getting out of bed, having panic attacks, not going to work, not caring for children or living space.
Someone moves out, either the betrayed parent or the cheating parent, causing logistical and/or financial strain on the household.
The affair comes to light after the diagnosis of a sexually transmitted disease, causing health issues or the need for increased health care.
Pregnancy is what reveals the cheating, and the family needs to cope with the addition of a new member.
As with any crisis, this is not the time to make any big decisions. So, trying to convince your mom to walk out on your dad after his affair will likely not work. Now is not the time to research marriage counselors or even support groups. You will do better to help be sure that your parents are eating and sleeping regularly.
If you are still living with your parents, you may have more options to help stabilize the situation. Which, in my experience, may mean taking on responsibilities that are not yours, or that are not age-appropriate. I recognize all too well that this is not fair and not ideal. Crisis mode is typically an all hands on deck situation, and the goal is to get through it as best you can. This may look like:
Getting your younger siblings to school because dad will not get out of bed
Taking care of mom while she has morning sickness
Sitting with your dad while he has panic attacks
If you are no longer living with your parents, support may mean regular phone calls or a visit. But the goal is the same. Support and stabilize. No rash decisions.
Ideally, to move out of crisis mode, you may need to call in reinforcements. Close friends and family members that can help. Often families do not want to share information about infidelity, but even having one friend that you can confide in will help.
Support and Stabilize may not feel like enough. You may have an opinion about what should happen next and want to DO something. Trust me, being the stabilizing force is doing much, much more than it may appear.
Stage 2: Reaction (0-6 months)
Task: Normalize the pain
Hopefully, after the initial shock wears off, your parents will be able to return to a more normal routine. Like going to work or taking out the trash. I distinguish this from feeling normal or resolved. Indeed, this is the stage where couples experience their most vicious fights. The betrayed parent may spend mountains of time trying to figure out why the affair happened, or retracing their steps for any clues that they missed in the past. Grief, anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts and post-traumatic stress disorder are common.
Indeed, you may be feeling many similar feelings.
To help your parents (and yourself), you can normalize all of the feelings and reactions that are happening. You can reassure your parents and yourself that this stage, while incredibly painful, will not last forever.
If you are an adult child in this situation, now is also the time to start researching and suggesting therapy, support groups, and online resources. This is the kind of information that your parents (and maybe even yourself) will need for the next stage.
Stage 3: Decision (6-18 months)
Task: Set Boundaries
At some point, your parents will need to make a decision about how to move forward. Will they re-commit or separate? Will the betrayed parent allow the cheating to continue, even while staying committed? Will they agree to stay together and just try and forget it ever happened?
These are all options after infidelity (though certainly not an exhaustive list). As their child, you will likely have an opinion about what they should do, which you can and should share with each of your parents. Then, you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Here are a few that I recommend:
You will not act as a mediator between your parents
You will not lie, spy, or hide information from either of them about the other
You will not be their therapist
If you are an adult, clarify that they do not need to stay together for your benefit
This may feel incredibly cruel. Your mom may ask you repeatedly to be the shoulder she cries on. Your dad may ask what your mom did over the weekend. They may seem like little things, but holding your boundaries for the little things will keep them from becoming big things. You may have to repeat yourself a few times before your parents get it.
After you set your boundaries, you need to let your parents sort it out. Whatever helping role you have taken on you need to give back to them.
Why is this helpful? Because at the end of the day, their commitment is theirs alone. They have to decide how they will interact with each other, and who will support them if they separate. You have your own life and romantic relationships to worry about.
Stage 4: Forever
Task: Let it Go
Then comes the hardest part. You have to let it go.
What do I mean by this? Because I know you are not going to be able to forget about the affair any time soon.
It means that you need to accept whatever decision your parents make for their relationship, even if you don’t like it. It may mean that your mom stays with a man who cheats on her in perpetuity. It may mean that your dad divorces your daddy and cries himself to sleep for years. It may mean that your parents stay together but never really resolve anything.
Remember what I said before? Their commitment is theirs alone. Only they have the power and the right to decide what they want from it. By supporting them through the crisis stages, you have helped give them strength to make some hard decisions.
Loving them in the long term means allowing them to make their own choices.