HELP! I AM A PARENT. HOW DO I SPEAK WITH MY KIDS ABOUT INFIDELITY?
Help! I am a parent involved with infidelity. If, Why, When, What, How Do I talk with my kids?
First of all, give yourself a huge gold star for even asking these questions. Most parents do not. If you have gone down the Google Rabbit Hole, you will note that this post runs contrary to much of the advice out there. What is available online largely comes from couples therapists and individuals who are offering suggestions based on their own experience. Necessary to be sure, but the advice lacks the bird’s eye view that the research illuminates. I cite all of my sources through the post and welcome you to my Research page which has a full list of the articles that inform my work.
The short answer to the IF question is yes, tell your kids. The why, when, what and how are more complicated, and I will break it down below.
IF…
Maybe the first thing to know about speaking with your kids about infidelity is that there has been zero research done on the topic. So anyone, your mom, your therapist, your Reddit community, who tries to tell you that there is one definitive answer is misguided.
There are a few people currently doing research on children of infidelity. One of them is on Reddit and posted this about what is known about ‘the best way’ to learn about parent infidelity. That is, learning from a parent rather than a text from a friend, or an extended family member rather than finding out by walking in on your mom with her new girlfriend.
Spoiler alert: there is no good way.
So give up trying to put any bubble wrap around this. It is going to be difficult. Which logically means the next question is...
WHY?
THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THEY ALREADY KNOW
It is likely that your kids already know, or at least intuit, that something is wrong between you and your partner.
Three separate studies published in 2016, 2017 and 2018 reported that between 24-40% of children knew of parental infidelity. How do they find out? There are several documented ways, like finding out on their own, figuring it out over time because of a variety of clues, but the most common way is that someone tells them. Usually someone in the family, but often, someone else involved in the affair.
These are just the children old enough to tell you that they know. Children who are too young to be verbal still know when mommy or daddy is acting differently. Affairs rock people, for good reason. It can make parents more emotional, quick to yell, more forgetful, and more emotionally distant from their kids. Children of all ages pick up on these changes. Young children particularly do not understand what is going on, and often erroneously blame themselves for their parents’ behavior changes.
KEEPING SECRETS IS STRESSFUL ON YOUR KIDS
If your kids already know about the affair, but feel that they need to keep the information secret, they are put in a situation where their brain is literally at war with itself. For more information on the biology of this, read this post.
Holding on to a secret creates an emotional burden for children (anyone, really) that increases the longer the secret is kept, and is connected to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and even the increased progression of disease.
The stress of keeping parent infidelity a secret increases with a child's perception of the vigilance needed to keep the secret. For example, making sure to evade certain conversations or being afraid of slipping up. The more that the secret overlaps into different social networks, the more stressful it is to keep.
Perhaps most prominently for children of infidelity, keeping secrets exacerbates a sense of isolation. This isolation itself can lead to greater fatigue.
IT PREVENTS THEM FROM ‘FEELING CAUGHT’ BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
What does it mean to Feel Caught? This is the term used for how a child feels when there is a loyalty conflict between their parents. That is, they feel that if they do what one parent wants them to do, it will jeopardize their relationship with the other parent. For more information about feeling caught read this post.
Getting the story of parent infidelity out into the open is the first step to helping your child not feel caught between you and your partner. As a parent, you are signaling that you are managing the situation and your child does not need to act as a mediator between you and your partner.
YOU WILL HAVE A CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD
I don’t know any parents who do not want a close relationship with their adult children. This research demonstrated that children who have experienced parental infidelity and conflict between parents have poorer relationships with their parents as adults. As difficult as the conversation will be, think of it as an investment in your future, the one that you want with your adult children.
Repeatedly, the research on children and parent infidelity has proven that how infidelity is discussed in a family IS AS IMPORTANT as the infidelity itself. If you lead the way for your children and open the conversation, you will mitigate the ways that infidelity often rips at a family.
WHEN?
So, you need to tell your kids. The when is important, but depends on your family circumstances. My rule of thumb is that the greater the upheaval in your family, the sooner you need to speak with your kids. If you and your partner are constantly fighting, or one of you has moved out, or you are no longer able to drive to play practice because you have to go to couples therapy, your kids need to know what is going on.
WHAT?
What you say depends on the age of your kids.
Before the age of 12, generally children need to know:
Their parents are struggling or unhappy
It is not the child’s fault
Both parents love the child very much, regardless of how they fight with each other
After age 12, full disclosure becomes important, for several reasons.
Adolescents are more likely to accurately read the signs of what is going on
The Internet, mobile phones, and all of the opportunities that they have to track their parent’s whereabouts using these tools (I run a group on Reddit called r/KidsofCheatingParents. Trust me, they are using these tools).
Perhaps most importantly, teens are in the process of experimenting with their own romantic lives, and confusing signals from you about your own relationship will only frustrate them and cause them to doubt you more.
What do you mean by full disclosure?
Full disclosure means admitting to your adolescent that one parent cheated on the other, when, for how long, and with whom. I will address this in more detail is the How section below.
Even if we have reconciled and decided to stay married?
Especially if you have reconciled and decided to stay in a partnership. If you are together, it probably means you have gone through hell and back to get there. Which means that your kids have wondered what the hell was going on. On a more positive note, if your partnership survived infidelity then your kids knowing that will help them in their own love relationships.
HOW?
So, if you are still reading, then hopefully I have convinced you that having this conversation is important. Here are some tips on how to have it.
Hire someone to hold your hand. Ideally, you will be working with a therapist and or support group who will help walk you through the process and even allow you to practice ahead of time. Understandably, infidelity causes emotions to run high and having a neutral third party can be very helpful.
I also provide 1:1 mentorship for parents who want to speak with their children about infidelity, please click here for more information.
Practice. There is a time for spontaneity and a time for planning. This is one of the times for planning. What is it you want to communicate to your child? This will be overwhelming for your child to hear, so I suggest breaking it down into parts.
What happened? This parent cheated on this parent with another person. It is likely that your adolescent will be curious about things like what was the nature of the cheating (sexual, porn, sexting), but not the details. I do not recommend sharing the details anyway. You might also include how long the affair went on, or if it was one of many affairs.
Who was the affair partner? Yes, even if the person is not known to the child, it is important that they know the context. A close family friend has different repercussions in a family then a co-worker who lives 200 miles away.
Why did it happen? Keep it simple. Include factors about your relationship, as well as outside stressors if applicable.
What does it mean for your child? Include what you know about what will happen with your partnership. It is ok if you do not know, just be honest. If the infidelity has led to pregnancy and additional biological children, then your child needs knows whose parents are whose. This article speaks to the importance of children knowing who their biological parents are (or are not), and the trauma that ensues from being lied to about it.
Set boundaries: Explain who else knows about the infidelity. Be clear that this is an issue between you and your partner, and you do not expect your child play a role.
Reassurance of love: Perhaps the most important bit. That you love your child and that no part of this is their fault. Regardless of what happens with your partnership, that love is irrefutable.
Pitfalls
Keep your own feelings out of it: Particularly if you are the betrayed partner, it may be tough not to condemn the cheating partner. Try to make a distinction between your partner’s behaviour, and your partner’s character. Remember that however you feel about your partner, your child loves both of you, and likely wants a relationship with both of you.
Putting the child in the middle: It may be tempting to ask for the child’s help in communicating with your partner, or paving the way for reconciliation. Your child will be so much happier not being in the middle of the two of you, and you will enjoy a better relationship with your child into their adulthood if you allow them to stay out of it.
Two more things!
Provide your children with an outlet where they can spill their guts. This is often with a therapist or support group, but doesn’t have to be. Sometimes an anonymous group feels more comfortable for adolescents, and if so I run r/KidsofCheatingParents on Reddit. It could be as simple as suggesting that they speak with a close friend or family member.
I also provide 1:1 mentorship for children of infidelity, please click here for more information.
After the initial conversations, plan to give them regular updates, so they don’t have to guess or ask. I suggest a monthly check in, with something simple like, ‘Mom and I are still going to couples counseling’, or ‘Do you have any other questions about our conversation?’.
This tactic will come in handy as time goes on. Often, later on in their lives, children of infidelity put more of the pieces together as to what happened, when they are exploring their own love relationships. Keeping a conversational door ajar so that your children can return to the infidelity topic with you will help both to strengthen your relationship with them and assist them in forming healthier bonds with their own partners.
It would be nice to think that all of this could be managed in one conversation or in a couple of therapy sessions with a neutral third party to referee. The reality of life is that, when parents struggle with infidelity, their kids do too. They might erupt in rage, break down in tears, freak out in school, or take risks outside of school. As the parent, your challenge is to help them manage, while you also manage your own partnership. It is hard. Very hard. No question.
But the reward is the potential for a stronger, more connected relationship with your children, both now and for the future.
That is the real gold star.