THREE STEPS TO MANAGE ANTICIPATORY GRIEF
When you have been hurt before, learning to live without constant fear of bad news is the key to lasting relationships that nourish you.
In this post I will share my own techniques for how to stop fearing that you will be left, hurt, abandoned or betrayed all over again like you were in the past.
Getting hurt in relationships is normal and inevitable. People are different, communication is difficult, and misunderstandings happen. Being betrayed in a relationship is a whole other thing, and can leave lasting scars that mean that simple misunderstandings in future relationships feel like four alarm fires.
People who have been betrayed often navigate relationships, either romantic or friendship, but defending against anticipatory grief. Meaning they are constantly on guard against being hurt (a bit like this cactus), and having to feel that kind of pain all over again. The problem with being on guard all the time is that it is exhausting, and it often leads to being so guarded that you can’t deeply connect with others. Which means the relationships do not go deep enough to be nourishing enough, or at worst, turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and end in pain.
Here are three simple (if not always easy) steps that I have taken to manage my own anticipatory grief with both my husband and my friends:
Use your rational brain to identify how the person is categorically different from the person who betrayed you. It can be so easy to let your emotions run wild, so it may take some effort to be a bit more scientific and logical. Pen and paper can help. For example, make a list of all of the ways that your friend Amy is distinct from your friend Alice who betrayed you. Amy walks my dog when she says she will. She texts me regularly to see how I am feeling. I enjoy spending time with her and making her laugh. Make a list of the warning signs that you can now see that you got from Alice and the ways she is different from Amy.
Use your physical body to check your emotions. Your thoughts and your emotions are susceptible to all kids of influences that your body is not. When you are in Amy’s presence, how do you feel physically? Does your heart pound? Do you feel frozen in your chest? Do your throat constrict? Or does your belly relax? Your shoulders move away from your ears? Sometimes just noticing how your body acts around different people can give you the reassurance that the person in question is trustworthy.
Show yourself. In small steps first, checking along the way to be sure that you feel safe with the person in small doses. Martha Beck calls this the Step/Check/Step method. It boils down to sharing a small but important part of yourself with a new friend or lover to see how they react. If their reaction helps you feel safe, then you share a but more. If you feel worse after sharing, that is a sign too.
Go easy on yourself as you try this. Betrayal trauma is real and difficult to recover from. If you need more help, get in touch.