JUST FIND OUT A PARENT IS CHEATING? HERE ARE YOUR NEXT 3 STEPS
No matter how old you are, finding out that you have a cheating parent can be jarring. There are many ways to define infidelity, but for a child (of any age) the details matter far less than the basics. Infidelity is a breach of trust, not only within the couple, but for the entire family.
Infidelity means that one person in the couple has violated the understood agreement of a monogamous relationship. This violation exists regardless of sexual orientation, gender, or culture, because it is about the couple’s agreement. If there is no understanding of monogamy, than there is no breach of trust. As their child, the commitment between your parents extends to you. Which is why infidelity is about so much more than the couple.
Before you consider taking action, take some time to understand what is going on.
HAVING A CHEATING PARENT CAN BE LONELY
Finding out that one of your parents is cheating can be isolating. But, you are not alone. According to the research, between 24-40% of kids are aware of the parents’ cheating behavior. There are lots of other people who know what you are going through.
Start by recognizing that generally Western culture does not appreciate the burden of infidelity on children or communities. A quick Google search will tell you that there is loads of information out there to support couples mired in infidelity, but very little for their kids. Even though, as one study put it, infidelity is one of the biggest causes of marital strife and divorce, both of which effect kids’ lives dramatically.
FEEL ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS
People generally connect infidelity with feelings of anger and hurt, but as a child who has recently discovered an affair, there is a great spectrum of emotion that you might be feeling, including:
Anger, towards the cheating parent AND the offending parent: you may as the offending parent pushed the cheating parent into it, like left them no choice
Anger towards the lover
Confusion about what is right and what is wrong
Feeling like you to need to side with one parent or the other and feeling confused about who to side with
Negativity about committed relationships or marriage
Sad, hurt, heartbroken
Guilty, like it somehow could have been your fault
Relieved; perhaps cheating was the escape hatch that one parent needed to get out of a relationship that is no longer working
You may feel like you have to be the mediator between your parents to maintain family harmony
REACH OUT
When you are ready, this is an important thing to speak about with someone you trust, before you consider confronting your parents. It could be a friend, a teacher, a therapist, of any age as long as you trust them.
Once you have done this, you may feel like you need more information about children and infidelity, or you may want to consider speaking with your parents. Read the next post on this topic: Four Common Reactions When Kids Confront Parent Infidelity.
For additional information on the research that informed this page, go to my Research page.