WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?

Do adult children struggle with keeping secrets about infidelity?

WHO DID THEY ASK?

A qualitative study with participants with the following characteristics

• parents had to have been married at some point

• at least one parent engaged in infidelity

• ages 19-50

• 38 people, 16 men, 22 women

• 84% White

WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?

Volunteers were solicited from a large Midwestern University in the United States, as well as on social networks, online groups, and message boards.

WHEN?

Published in 2015

WHY?

To better understand who owns the story of parent infidelity within a family.

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

There are six “family privacy dilemmas” that children often face when they discover a parent’s affair. This means that there are six ways that children find out about parent infidelity that put them in a real bind.

Four occur when the child finds out about the information, and has to decide to share it or not.

1. Confidant: One parent asks the child to keep information from the other parent

2. Accidental: When the child finds out accidentally about the affair, and has to decide whether or not to share the information

3. Delayed understanding: when the child is too young to recognize that what is going on is an affair, and then realizes later in life

4. Illicit: when the parents do a bad job of hiding the affair, the child needs to decide whether to confront the parent or turn a blind eye

Two occur when the child decides to share the information:

1. Knowingly being lied to: the child knows about affair and confronts the parent, but the parent will not fess up

2. Accused of lying: when the child knows of the affair and tells other family members about it, but the other family members deny that it is happening

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE:

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST (OR HELPER): Finding out about parent infidelity is often exacerbated by having to decide if and how to share the information, as well as the ramifications of sharing that information. 

IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: The story of parent infidelity is shared by everyone in the family, and often causes distress among children (and extended family members) over what information should be shared with whom.

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS: Recognize that deciding whether or not to share your knowledge of parent infidelity takes deliberate behavioral and mental work, and it is tiring, because you are often caught between two equally unsatisfactory solutions, telling or keeping quiet.

For more information about the emotional toll of keeping the secret of parent infidelity, check out this post. 

Reference:

Investigating Adult Children’s Experiences with Privacy Turbulence Following the Discovery of Parental Infidelity, Allison R. Thorson PhD, Journal of Family Communication, 15: 41–57, 2015
DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2014.980824