HOW DOES HUNGER FEEL?
Step One: Start by telling your children that from now on they will be in control of their own eating. Let it be clear that whenever they are hungry, they can choose foods they like from what is available in the house. Each time they ask for food, you will simply ask, “Are you hungry?’ The goal is to communicate and reinforce a simple but important message: Requests for food should be made when – and only when – there is a feeling of hunger.
Sounds simple, no?
I assembled my three girls and explained that we were going to try self-demand feeding. I said that they could choose what they wanted to eat, and they did not need to ask for permission to eat certain foods, as they have in the past. The only requirement was that they had to ask themselves these three questions: Are you hungry? What do you want to eat? Are you full?
This step was met with three different reactions.
My nine-year-old looked at me with momentary disbelief, but then jumped out of her chair and started to dance with glee. “When do we start?”
My twelve-year-old was stone faced. “Mom, I’m scared. You are scaring me. Why did you change all of a sudden?”
My fifteen-year-old looked at me quizzically. With a deep sigh, she said, “Mom, I think you are going to regret this. I am not going to change how I eat anyway. Peace out. I am going downstairs.”
Huh. I guess I expected more universal excitement.
Over these last two weeks, every time one of them came looking for food, I have asked, “Are you hungry?”. They have always answered yes, and then we have talked about what they would like to eat. Several times, I have been pretty certain that they were not actually physically hungry, but were rather taking advantage of a situation they assumed would end soon. Hirschmann and Zaphiropoulos predict this and advise giving food regardless as a way to instill trust.
The most interesting conversation so far was at dinner the other night when I asked ‘what does hunger feel like?’.
“I know I am hungry because my stomach hurts.”
“Then how do you know the difference between when you are sick and when you are hungry?”
“Well, I try eating, and if I feel better then I know I was hungry.”
“I know because I usually have to pee when I get hungry. Or, sometimes my stomach hurts too. But then I eat and it feels better.”
“I know when I am hungry but usually I can’t eat because of school and stuff, so I just deny my hunger.”
OK, maybe not so simple.