FOUR FACTORS TO CONSIDER BEFORE CONFRONTING A PARENT AFFAIR
Finding out about a parent affair often throws their kids into a dilemma. To confront the parent about the affair or not? In this previous post, I highlight four common parent reactions to being confronted about their infidelity. But in the end, there is no one right answer. It will depend on parental support, your willingness to rock the boat, your support network, and your relationship with your parents.
DO YOUR PARENTS SUPPORT YOU?
If you live with your parents, or are financially dependent on them, it might not feel safe to address the affair. You may be concerned that doing so will break up the family. Or simply cause additional financial, emotional, and physical stress. If this is your situation, give yourself a pass to wait until it feels like a better time.
DO YOU WANT TO ROCK THE BOAT?
What if you are not dependent on your parents, but you fear that the conversation would hurt them? It probably will. Research shows that knowledge of a parent’s affair puts kids in a catch-22. For example, keeping quiet could mean that the affair continues. Perhaps there are physical risks associated with the affair like unwanted pregnancy or and STD. Or, not addressing the infidelity could mean feeling insecure and unhappy within your family.
On the other hand, speaking about the affair could lead to a family break up. It could make either one of your parents angry at you, or you could be accused of lying.
Whatever you choose, it is helpful to acknowledge that deciding whether or not to have this conversation takes deliberate work, and is tiring.
CAN YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR PARENT’S AFFAIR?
Another factor to consider is the support that you have outside of your parents. Do you feel comfortable speaking with someone in your extended family? A friend? Teacher? They can help you practice what to say. Having support around you will provide a place to turn if the conversation does not go well.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS…NOW AND FOR THE FUTURE
Having a good rapport with your parents could make this conversation easier or harder. Easier because you are already comfortable speaking with your parents about difficult topics. Or, harder because it could feel like it might jeopardize the closeness you have. Or it could feel like a little bit of both.
Another way to think about the dilemma of to speak or not to speak is to consider what kind of relationship you want with your parents in the future. The research on children and infidelity indicates that kids who grow up with a parent affair generally have unhappier connections with their parents into adulthood. What kind of relationship do you want with your parents?
You cannot control your parents’ actions or romantic entanglements. You do have some control over your end of the relationship with them. Do you want one based in honesty? Even if it is difficult? Or is it better to detach a bit from your knowledge of the infidelity? Can you be happier in your relationship with them by not addressing it?
This, truly, is a personal choice without a right answer.
If you still would like to speak with your parents, read this next post on Tips for Speaking with Your Parents about their Infidelity.