EINSTEIN’S SOLUTION
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
– Albert Einstein
I have finally decided to be honest about something. I hate Christmas shopping. I know, I know, I hear all of your moans and your eye rolls and all of your join the clubs!, and I am sure that there are lots of people out there who don’t like holiday shopping but see it as one of those things in life that you can’t get out of and just have to muddle through as best you can.
In fact, I know I am not alone. I used to believe that I was the only one that would have to lock herself in the bathroom at least once during the month of December to have a good cry and rant in order to be able to continue with the baking and gifts and parties. But then I took a good look around at my friends and fellow moms at school.
Last December, my best friend got so sick a few days before Christmas, that in the midst of her fever-induced stupor she literally cried to her husband that he should hold onto her because she was afraid she might die. Another close friend, a normally peace-filled lady who takes me to yoga classes and meditation sessions, wrote a hilarious piece on her 12 Rants of Christmas, to show where she was at during the most wonderful time of the year. My own personal turning point happened after a conversation at school with a mom who is known for telling the truth loudly, no matter the company or situation. If there is anyone I know who isn’t afraid to make waves or buck tradition it is she. When she told me that she was up late crying over wrapping paper two weeks before Christmas because she was overwhelmed, I knew it was not merely some personal flaw that was causing the whole damn season to feel impossible.
I don’t really think I need to go on much more, as any simple Google search that includes “stress” and “holidays” will serve up ample gift suggestions, coping techniques, recipes, and mental health clinics. What I find most perplexing is that while I know many people feel this way, and there are a myriad of suggestions out there, the reality is that my stress level at the holidays has remained fairly static from year to year. I am working on a theory that it is because I have been trying to use the same thinking that created the problem, to try and fix the problem.
So, let me re-phrase. This year I have decided to do something – hopefully different – about the fact that I hate holiday shopping. There are a few reasons that I want to make this change, which I will get to over the next few weeks. The most basic is: I love Christmas and I want to actually enjoy the season this year, and not just the 18 hours between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
My first radical change in thinking is: I get to enjoy the holidays too. This means that my health and sanity will not be sacrificed on the alter of “Christmas is for children”, or “My husband doesn’t have time to help with shopping”, or “This person really needs one more present”.
Clearly, I needed to get my family on board with this.
One of the things I love most about my husband is that he actually listens. OK, so not when he is deep into answering emails or watching Star Trek reruns or, occasionally, when all three children need something at the same time, but, when I am able to say something from my core, he hears me. I explained our Christmas shopping history from my perspective: we each grew up with moms who bought, wrapped, bagged and tagged the vast majority of the gifts for the nuclear and extended family. Our dads were in charge of two or three gifts, which would be incredibly big and thoughtful, as well as wrapped with masking tape or perhaps paper bags or birthday gift wrap. We had, I explained, fallen into this same pattern, with the result that his few gifts are works of art, sights to behold, and I feel like a chump for buying a string of gift certificates. To his great credit, with a relatively short discussion about what shopping needed to be done, and only a very few promises of favors in return, we agreed to split up the shopping list 50/50.
Next stop, the kids.
What I needed to know from them was, how important really are the gifts? With considerable trepidation, I posed this question to my family one night over dinner: What do you love most about Christmas? I brought out the flip chart for the kids to write down or draw their answers (our result is pictured above). My husband participated as well, though I did get that twitchy look that said he knew some blog post was involved. We each wrote down (or drew) everything we could think of and then had to choose the three most important things by putting stars next to them.
The only aspect of Christmas that drew stars from everyone was “spending time with family”. Gifts came in dead last with only one star. Whew.
So am I going to stop shopping completely? No. But I am going to dial it way back.
Yesterday, my oldest asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I replied, a Christmas without gifts. “Ha!” she said, “There is no way my grandparents are ever going to let that happen!” Indeed. But she continued, “Mom, you don’t want a Christmas without gifts, you want a Christmas without presents. Because, you see, they are different. A gift is a concept, something that you give to someone else, whereas a present is a physical thing that you can see.”
Perhaps that right there, is the change in thinking I have been looking for all along.