Often cited as the grandmother of Western scholarly work on children of infidelity, this literature review gave everyone a place to begin. 

WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?

Not a study but a literature review of studies on the effects of parental infidelity on children. The verdict? There was not much for them to review. So they focused on the abundant literature on the effect of parental conflict and specifically divorce on children.

WHO DID THEY ASK? N/A

WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED? N/A

WHEN?

The chapter was part of the 2004 book The state of affairs: Explorations in infidelity and commitment

WHY?

The authors recognized that while children and families’ lives are disrupted by affairs, the effects are rarely discussed. It is a call for more research on the topic. In a fascinating endnote, the authors write: Significantly, most respondents in our own research on affairs tended to deny their children might know about or be affected by their affairs, and among colleagues and friends the topic of this paper on “children and affairs” aroused surprise and even distaste.

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

Children’s reactions to family drama from affairs are similar to their reactions to upheaval from divorce, and vary with age.

1. Preschool children need more time and attention, so when marital problems cause parents to neglect their kids, young children are often confused and fear they are to blame

2. Older and adolescent children often know more details about the affair and get drawn into parental arguments, sometimes as confidants or mediators. This can make them angry and cause conflicts of loyalty if they form alliances with one parent against the other whom they blame for the affair.

3. Adolescents and young adults are more attuned to sexual undercurrents in adult relationships, and struggle to accept their parents’ sexual behavior just when they are facing their own emergent sexuality.

Parents struggle to take advice from therapists about speaking with their children for several reasons:

1. They want to protect themselves from their children’s blame and anger

2. They do not want their children’s questions to upset any repair work that has begun in the relationship

3. Often, mothers remain silent to protect their reputation and respectability in the eyes of society

4. Often, fathers see their sexual behavior as “their own business”

5. The authors note that there is no advice in the literature for a parent who cheated on how to protect their children from the consequences.

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER, OR HELPER: While there is more research now on children and infidelity, lean on the divorce literature to assist your child clients cope with their parents’ affairs. 

IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: Currently, there is no research or advice on how to best protect your children from the consequences of an affair.

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS: While every experience is unique, there are some common threads in the experiences of children who lived through parental infidelity and those who lived through divorce.