Spending time with extended family when your parents are struggling with infidelity comes with a unique challenge that is not often addressed in holiday family survival guides: secrecy. 

This secrecy can show up in a few ways:

• Adult children know about the affair but cannot speak about it either with their parents and/or their extended family, so you are constantly on guard about what you say

• Everyone knows about the affair, but is pretending they don’t, and all the fakeness is crazy making

• Being in this bubble of secrecy means feeling you cannot be your full self, and so you feel isolated and alone, even when surrounded by family

If this is you, I see you. 

Here are four ways to cope with secrecy and feeling inauthentic with family around the holidays, but before I get to them, one caveat. Boundaries with family after a parents’ infidelity are super important. I address boundaries in this post. I also recommend Nedra Tawwab’s work on boundaries. 

For this post I am assuming that you have already decided on your boundaries and to spend the holidays with family, even though you know it will be difficult. 

Focus on How Holiday Rituals DO Support your Mental Health

Holidays are rituals, and rituals are super important for humans. Rituals can ease anxiety, help us find meaning in our lives, and connect us to other humans. Now, I understand that the humans you are celebrating the holiday with may be seriously bugging you at the moment, so all I am asking you to do is shift your focus from what you don’t like about the holiday, to what you do. 

Rather than focusing on what is being covered up or lied about, focus on the aspects of the ritual or gathering that you do enjoy. Candle light. The extra brown sugar on the butternut squash. Watching a three-year-old open a gift. Even these seemingly small elements of the holiday link you to the larger group that is your family. So, while you may not be able to be completely authentic with your family (and this is definitely an issue to work through, just maybe not while someone is carving a turkey with a large knife), there are still rituals that connect you, which is worth celebrating.

This is not to diminish the impact of the lies being told or the discomfort of the secrets you may be holding. It is a pause button. To allow yourself to enjoy the aspects of the holiday that you do, and let those aspects bolster your mental health. The lies and secrets will still be there after the new year, don’t worry. 

Focus on suffering

I know this sounds backwards, but connecting with, or even just thinking about, all of the other adult children coping with a parent’s infidelity in the world can make you feel less alone. Sneak out to a quiet corner and check out the Reddit community I created called r/KidsofCheatingParents that has grown to over 900 members, for a visceral reminder that you are in good company.

Or, if you like books, read another person’s story. I recommend Wild Game by Adrienne Broder, and Infidelity, A Memoir by Anne Pearlman for their honest descriptions of what it can be like to grow up with a cheating parent. I promise you, if you believe that no one could have a family as off the rails as yours, reading these books will make you reconsider.

I have a whole library of book recommendations for adult children and families struggling with infidelity. You can find it at bookshop.org. Please note this is an affiliate link, which means that if you buy a book I will receive a small commission, at no extra charge to you.

Find humor in everything: Dysfunctional Family Bingo

This is probably my favorite holiday coping strategy because it works for anyone, regardless of what kind of relationship they have with their family. And you can play it via text with your friends who are at their own family gatherings. Which will help remind you that you have a community outside of your family, where (hopefully) you don’t have to keep any secrets and can be your authentic self.

The basics are, you create a bingo sheet of all of those crazy, annoying, hilarious, or disastrous things that you know are going to happen at this year’s holiday gathering, because they happen every year. Like, grandpa farts after dinner, or mom tells me I’m fat, or my cousin tells everyone how much money he makes. Then it becomes a game, so you actually hope that these things will happen, rather than spending the energy dreading when they will. Make sure you reward yourself with a really good prize. Self care, you know. 

For more details, and a free downloadable bingo card check out: https://marthabeck.com/2019/11/dysfunctional-family-bingo/

Find Everything You Need Inside Yourself

This is my favorite tool when I feel lonely, or isolated, even when I am with other people. It works especially well to combat that searing terror of feeling like you are going to be abandoned at any moment, which can happen with intense feelings of isolation. 

Step 1: It requires a little advanced preparation, maybe 10 minutes or so. To prepare, before the holiday event, think of the people in your life who you both love and feel 100% safe with. Friends, partners, or even your pets will work too. Imagine those people surrounding you in a place and way that feels right to you. 

When I use this tool, I imagine 4 of my closest friends sitting in a circle with me in a yoga studio by the beach, or sometimes during the holidays, I imagine us as 5 angels glowing brightly. But yours may be in your living room, or maybe you are hiking together, or eating BBQ. Take a few moments to find a situation that makes you smile. 

Step 2: Focus on really feeling the connection you have to them, what you love about them, fun you have had, and why they are part of this special group. 

Step 3: Imagine that one of these friends came to you, and shared how alone they were feeling, how lonely and isolated and afraid they were. What would you say to them? How would you treat them? 

Do this a few times until you can call up the image of all of you together, and a few phrases or actions that you would say to your friends.

Step 4: At the holiday event, if you start to feel terribly alone or frustrated: 

1. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and take three deep breaths with your eyes closed

2. Call up the image of your group of friends, and how good they make you feel

3. Imagine that they are reassuring you with the same words that you envisioned telling them when they felt lonely or sad

This is similar to the What Words exercise from Dr. Kristin Neff who has researched and written in depth about self-compassion. You simply call up the words that you need to hear right now. Here are some of Neff’s examples:

I care about you. 

I accept you just as you are.

It's okay to be imperfect.

I’m here for you.

I won't abandon you

I believe in you.

I understand how difficult this is. 

You aren't alone.

This too, shall pass.

I always prefer to imagine that it is a close friend who is telling me what I need to hear, however, telling yourself can be equally powerful. Plus, it means you will always be able to receive the compassion that you need, even at a difficult holiday gathering. 

If, after the holidays, you are interested in getting some help, please contact me. I am currently interviewing adult children coping with cheating parents to develop a support group, tailor made just for you.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season, and an abundant 2025.