The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one

I recently watched the TED Talk by Clinical Psychologist Meg Jay (who said the quote above) called Why 30 is NOT the New 20. It reinforced my belief that young adulthood is the perfect time to really dig into processing your parent’s affair, because it will go faster for you then if you wait.

Dr. Jay cites two important statistics for young adult children of infidelity. First, that more than half of Americans are married to or dating their future partner by age 30. Second, that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s, so whatever you want to change, it will be easier to do it now than later.

Why are these two statistics important for young adults coping with a cheating parent? Because of how it dovetails with the existing research about intergenerational infidelity.

Research shows that kids who grow up with cheating parents are twice as likely to cheat themselves, even if they believe that cheating is wrong. They are also more likely to end up in relationships where they are cheated on. These propensities exist largely because of beliefs about committed relationships that children of infidelity get from their parents. Often, these beliefs are unconscious. This is why you can believe that cheating is wrong and still cheat, because you are working with subconscious beliefs. For more about this, read this post. You will be better equipped to go into a committed relationship when those beliefs are conscious. 

What better time to examine your beliefs about commitment than during the decade when most of you are trying to figure out what you want in a relationship anyway? AND, you have the advantage of riding the wave of your brain’s natural growth spurt. So you will be creating the neural pathways in your brain that will help you form the long term relationships that you desire.

5 Ways to Use Dating to Process your Parent’s Affair

Prioritize It

It is so easy to get sucked into your job, your friend group, TikTok, or fill in the blank. Dating is difficult. It is awkward. Scary. It means putting yourself out there and talking with people you don’t know well. It’s hard. Which makes it easy to push to the side, forever. Start by making it a conscious goal and take it slowly. Start with one date per month, for example.

Reframe Dating as Healthy Exploration

I almost called this one ‘Dating with Purpose’ until I learned that this means dating knowing what you want from a partner and stating it up front. While there is nothing wrong with this approach, when I started dating in my 20s I had little idea what I wanted and certainly couldn’t begin to articulate it. I need to date to figure that out. As long as you are honest with your date about your intentions, healthy exploration is what dating is all about.

Think of this less as dating to find a partner, and more as dating to learn about what you want in a partner. You can still have fun and date around while also having this goal in mind. 

One night when I was dating in my 20s I had a dream that I was reading one of those mix and match children’s books that was split into three, so you could mix up the heads, bodies and legs of different animals to create your own. Think about the people you date like that. I like the way this one asks me questions, the way this one works with clay, the way this one runs every day. In my sleep, my brain was helping me to figure out what I wanted in a partner, which at times felt impossible because no one person seemed to have it all.

Where you end up is forming your priorities for partnership. Obviously there are big things to consider, like where you want to live and if you want kids, but remember that life is lived in the small moments, so think about those too. Do you want someone who makes you laugh? Who loves reading poetry? Who can share your love of skiing? There are no right or wrong answers here.

Date outside your circle

Jay talks about how that new person to date almost always comes from outside of your circle of friends. So do not be insular. People outside of your usual group often teach you the most. Think about things like, How do they see commitment? How is it different from you? Are there parts of how they see the world that you might like to adopt for yourself, even if the relationship does not work out?

Do not commit before you are ready

One of the stories that Dr. Jay recounts in her talk is about a client who felt as though dating in her 20s was like a game of musical chairs, and somewhere around 30 the music stopped. She ended up marrying the person sitting in the chair closest to her.

Growing up with cheating parents makes it even more important to sort out what you want in a relationship before you commit. It may also be that even if you find the right person, commitment may feel abnormally terrifying. If this is the case, then you need to dig a little deeper into those relationship demons.

Which is nothing to feel badly about. On the contrary, it is a sign of both bravery and integrity that you want to sort yourself out before making a life-long commitment. For additional help, check out the Free Peer Support Group, or contact me to set up a free call.

Build you own family

Part of choosing a partner is that you are also picking your future family. I am talking about in-laws but also the chosen family of friends that you surround yourself with. The time to interview those people for the role of chosen family members is now. Especially if your family of origin does not support your emotional needs.

Keep in mind that this may include people from your childhood, high school or college. But as you learn more about yourself and process your parent’s affair, you may need to expand the people in your circle. Often the people you attract when you are in the thick of the betrayal trauma from your parent’s affair, are not the same people that will help you build your own healthy family.

Just remember, you are worth it.