Found out that one of your parents are cheating? Before you decide to speak with them about it, go back and read this post first, then this one, and then this one. This is not a conversation that you want to rush in to. If you decide that confronting your parents is the best route for you, here are 7 tips for success when speaking with your parents about their infidelity.

CONSIDER STARTING WITH YOUR MOM

Research indicates that mothers are more interested in speaking with their children about infidelity than fathers. Obviously, this decision will depend on the specifics of your family and the affair. If starting with Mom is an option for you, she may be more amenable to the conversation.

PICK A SAFE PLACE

Often, speaking with your parents about their infidelity successfully means being in a safe place. For some kids, this is in their home, for some, the farther away from home the better. Take some time to consider where you will feel most at ease.

HAVE YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK ON HAND

I mentioned this in a previous post and will say it again to highlight its importance. Before you embark on this conversation, have someone you trust who knows about the affair at the ready. No matter which way the talk goes, it will not be easy. You will likely need someone to debrief with who can take care of you.

WHAT NOT TO FOCUS ON WHEN SPEAKING WITH YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THEIR INFIDELITY

Stay away from physical and emotional details about the affair. It is unlikely that knowing the specifics will make you feel any better. You want to focus on your role in the family and your relationship with your parents.

STAY OUT OF THE MIDDLE. I REPEAT. STAY OUT OF THE MIDDLE.

I heartily suggest asking that your parents not put you in the middle of their relationship. What does this mean? A couple of things. It means that fighting about the affair is only between the parents. Neither parent attempts to bring you into it by trying to get you ‘on their side’ against the other parent. It means that one parent does not ask you to spy on the other. It means that one parent does not try and form an alliance with you against the other parent, by doing things like soliciting your sympathy or buying you special gifts. In short, you should not feel caught between them. You can even remind them that research demonstrates that feeling caught between parents is associated with poor childhood mental health and low family satisfaction.

FOCUS ON TRUST

Remind your parents that the affair has broken a trust between you. If there is an understanding of monogamy between parents, then that agreement automatically extends to their children. This may be the scariest bit, because here you should be as honest as you can about your feelings. Hurt, frightened, overwhelmed, angry, whatever it is. These are all natural human emotions from a breached trust. Verbalizing these feelings may help you feel better, and can act as a step towards rebuilding trust with your parents. If your parents are willing to work to rebuild trust with you.

Trust is a large, complex topic that I will write more about in future posts. In the interim I recommend reading Brene Brown’s 7 Elements of Trust.

What are some ways that your parents can rebuild that trust? Start with simple things, like your parents calling you when they say that they will. Or remembering to ask about important events in your life. Keeping you out of the middle of their relationship. mentioned above, will also help rebuild the trust between you.

HAVE PATIENCE

Finally, remember that you do not have to cover everything at once. It may take several conversations over time for you to feel that you have said what you need to. It is often an incredibly difficult topic for parents and children to discuss, so be patient with yourself and your parents.