Reddit is a fascinating place. I love it, and sometimes fear it. I first started writing about parent infidelity there for the same reason that a lot of other people use Reddit: anonymity. Loads of kids seek advice there for what to do about a cheating parent. 

One of the many things to keep in mind when asking for tips from Redditors is what cultures most of them come from. According to Statista, currently, almost 70% of Reddit users reside in western countries, with the highest percentage coming, unsurprisingly, from the United States. 

But for kids from families and communities that prioritize collectivism over the western-celebrated individualism, much of the advice on Reddit will clash with how you have been raised. 

Sound like your situation? Read on.

High vs. Low Relational Mobility

According to Micheal Slepian’s book The Secret Life of Secrets, how you feel about keeping a secret depends on three things. The nature of the secret, your own personal disposition, and the culture that you live in. In this post I will explain a little more about how culture mediates secrecy because I think kids of cheating parents (from all cultures) will find it helpful. I sure did.

In Slepian’s book, he talks about the difference between high relational mobility and low relational mobility environments…countries, communities, and families. Relational mobility measures how easy it is to leave old relationships and form new ones. 

In low relational mobility environments it tends to be more difficult to change friends because making friends outside of your tight-knit group is difficult or frowned upon. The idea of losing touch with family members or breaking from family is unheard of, and often divorce is taboo or extremely difficult. Because we are social creatures and need other people, in these communities, people tend to take fewer risks with their relationships.

By contrast, in high relational mobility communities, it is generally easy to travel through social groups and relationships are formed through personal choice. Typically people are more willing to take social risks, such as talking to strangers and sharing strong or controversial opinions. 

Relational mobility varies by country. In broad strokes, eastern countries tend to have low relational mobility, whereas the west tends to have higher relational mobility. Obviously, this varies dramatically depending on your town, religion, and your own family. Relational mobility also changes with age. College students moving into a dorm for the first time will typically open up to make new friends, while older folks find forging new relationships more challenging. 

It is super important to note that one environment is not better than the other. In the United States, where rugged individualism is esteemed, it is easy to judge that a high relational mobility environment is better. This is a cultural judgment and nothing more. I see this reflected in the infidelity communities on Reddit. A kid will ask if they should tell their betrayed parent about their cheating parent’s behavior, and the response is almost always Yes! Do not continue the lie! Your betrayed parent needs to know!

While this is not wrong, necessarily, it has to be taken in the context of this western dominated community. For a kid whose family comes from Southeast Asia say, and prioritizes collectivism, this advice may simply not work. Or, at the very least, it does not take culture into account.

Wait, what is collectivism?

Collectivism, briefly, is the belief that you should prioritize others over yourself, goals should be shared by the group, and harmony and cohesion are valued over individual preferences.

Again, collectivism is good. So is individualism.

OK, so the thing you need to know about collectivism and low relational mobility communities is that, according to Slepian, they shape your EXPERIENCE of having a secret. Which, if you recall, is what we are working with here. Not if/when/how to confront your parents, but how to cope with the secret of your parent’s infidelity inside yourself. (For more on this, start with this video)

Typically, in a culture that prioritizes collectivism, a kid with cheating parents may actually feel worse for keeping a secret about their parent’s infidelity. Holding back from their dear community feels more wrong, and they feel more inauthentic for not being truthful.

The Solution? Shift Your Focus

So what is a kid who is living in a collectivism family or community to do? You shift your focus.

Focus on the relational and prosocial aspects of secrecy. Don’t focus on what you are not saying, but what you are gaining, such as group harmony, or your own safety. If you are putting someone’s best interest over your own, then it is no longer an issue of inauthenticity. 

Think about it this way. If one of your parents has cheated and you are under 18, it is possible that the risks of confronting your parents will put you or your family at risk. It is not likely that confronting them will make a difference in the outcome anyway. So you need to focus on what you gain by keeping the secret, and what your family may gain.   

Go ahead and ask that question on Reddit. You will get a lot of different perspectives and even find some people struggling with the same stuff. Just remember that all of those anonymous people are mostly from cultures with high relational mobility that champion individualism, so they are going to see your situation in that context. You know your family and your culture better than anyone else, so do not be afraid to let collectivism win.