In his book The Rules of Estrangement; Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, Dr. Joshua Coleman uses his own experience as a therapist and formerly estranged parent to explain the rise of parental estrangement in the US. Hint: it is in part because of our high relational mobility society, which I write about here. He also offers examples and suggestions for parents on how to heal a relationship with an estranged adult child. 

I recommend the book for children of infidelity, even if you are not estranged from your parents. It provides a window into how parents of adult children often feel when there is conflict in the parent-child relationship. It may also help you to better understand your own connection with your parents after their infidelity.

In this post, I will narrow in on the nature of estrangement in mother/daughter relationships according to Coleman, and offer my own thoughts on solutions for daughters who are struggling with their moms post-parent infidelity. 

How Mother/Daughter Relationships Differ

Coleman talks about how mother/daughter relationships are unique to mother/son or father/daughter relationships in a specific way. Mothers and daughters can have a relationship that borders on telepathy. What he means is that women are often socialized to be super in tune with other people’s needs. (Often this can lead to codependency, but that is for another blog post.) Anyway, in the case of mothers and daughters who both have this kind of attunement, they can be super in touch with each other and responsive to each other. In healthy relationships, this can be a real benefit.

But in situations where mom has gone through intense pain, such as infidelity or divorce, then this pattern can backfire. A daughter who is in touch with her mother’s pain can feel smothered by it, and believe that the only way to escape the pain is to escape the mother. 

Dr. Coleman spells out this pattern in Chapter 3:

From the daughter’s perspective, it goes like this:

1. Empathy: my mother is in pain

2. Evaluation of that emotion

1. It feels burdensome to feel my mother’s pain

2. I have no immunity to it. If she’s in pain, I am in pain

3. Attempt to reduce the feelings of empathy by redirecting the arrow of accountability:

1. This is her responsibility, not mine

2. It’s selfish of her to make me feel her pain

3. She should be in therapy dealing with this, not burdening me with it

4. There must be something really wrong with her to make me feel like that. Maybe she’s a narcissist.

But from the mother’s perspective, the sequence might go as follows:

1. My daughter’s complaints and her rejection make me feel hurt, humiliated and scared

2. Since I have been a dedicated parent, it would be good for me to tell her how her behavior makes me feel

3. I should intensify my effort to tell her how hurt I am. If she sees it more clearly, she’ll be able to be nicer and more supportive than she has been

4. The fact that I can’t just tell her how I feel and have her react in a kind way proves that she doesn’t really care about me

The problem of course is that these two ways of thinking clash. Dr. Coleman goes on to give a specific example of how he works with a mother and daughter to help them communicate more effectively. I recommend the book for more specifics, but to summarize, mom needs to respect boundaries, and daughter needs to be softer in her delivery of what these boundaries are.

It got me thinking about how this pattern must also exist for mothers and daughters coping with parent infidelity, regardless of which parent cheated. Because not only is the mother going to be in pain, but there is the additional burden of the knowledge of the infidelity on the daughter, possibly increasing her identification with her mom’s sorrow. 

If this pattern rings true for you, what do you do?

Obviously, meeting with a therapist is a great option, as talking this through with a neutral party will help both mom and daughter feel safe and heard. If that is not an option, here are a few ideas, based both on Coleman’s book and my own experience working with children of infidelity.

You may be looking at this with a kid's eyes. Recognize that your belief that your mom is unhappy may be something hanging on from your unhappy childhood. Can you list some things that mom has in her life now that make her happy? Does she like her job? Have close friends? Play pickleball or go to a book club regularly? Make a list. Another idea is to ask your mom, what are the parts of your life now that you love (besides me)? You may learn that she is happier and more resilient than you think.

Recognize what Coleman calls ‘the power of sorrow in contributing to avoidance’. If you are feeling angry with your mom, or annoyed by her, it might be that you feel intense empathy for her. Because you don’t know any way to stop her pain, focusing on the things that you don't like about her may be a good distraction. Instead, consider identifying why you feel sad for her, and if those sad feelings are merited. Even if they are, focusing on sadness and where you hurt will help you to soften the anger, and look at the situation with more compassion. 

Related to this is realizing that your mom can be sad, and you can still be happy. As an adult, you have the power to have your own feelings, separate from your mom’s. Not to mention that carrying her sorrow does nothing to alleviate her pain. 

Remember the ways that your mom is a good mom, and then reassure her. It can even help to write down a specific list to share. Many moms’ greatest fear is that they have not been a good enough mom(goodness knows I fall into this club), and parent infidelity will likely increase this fear. Learning that her ability as a mother is not on the chopping block may help her relax enough to hear your requests for different boundaries without getting defensive. 

I found this explanation of the intense connection between mothers and daughter eye-opening and validating. Does any of it resonate for you? Drop me a comment and let me know!