Melissa Macomber | What to do When a Parent is Cheating?

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IN PLAIN ENGLISH: Parental conflict and infidelity as predictors of adult children's attachment style and infidelity

Melissa Macomber

Hint: it’s all about the conflict.

WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?

  1. IF how much your parents fight when you are growing up determines how you feel in relationships when you grow up

  2. IF your parents cheating affects how you feel in relationships when you grow up

  3. IF your parents cheat are you more likely to cheat? 


WHO DID THEY ASK?

  • 150 college students ages 18-29

  • 68% female, 42% male

  • 68% Caucasian


WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?

A regional Midwestern University in the United States


WHEN?

Published in 2008


WHY?

There is loads of research on the affect of divorce on children. A 1994 study  (Cummings & Davies) confirmed that how much parents fight has a greater impact on kids than a divorce or even separation from one parent. In short, conflict between parents is the best predictor of a child’s functioning after a divorce.

The authors of this study are suggesting that parent infidelity causes a similar amount of parent conflict, and so would effect children in a similar way. 

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

  • Children who grew up with parents who fought a lot liked themselves and others less, even into adulthood 

  • Adult children who knew that their dad cheated were more likely to cheat.

  • Results depended on the gender of the participant: sons were more likely to cheat than daughters. A mother’s affair had less impact than a father’s.

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER OR HELPER: Focus on helping to minimize children’s exposure to parent fighting. 

IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: Minimize the amount of fighting you and your partner do in front of the children, as well as how you communicate about conflict. 

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH FIGHTING AND/OR CHEATING PARENTS: Consider that it may be the fighting between your parents, rather than an affair or a divorce, that contributes to negative feelings about yourself and your relationships. 


Reference

Platt, R. L., Nalbone, D. P., Casanova, G. M., & Wetter, J. L. (2008). Parental conflict and infidelity as predictors of adult children's attachment style and infidelity. American Journal of Family Therapy, 36, 149-161. doi:10.1080/01926180701236258