Melissa Macomber | What to do When a Parent is Cheating?

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IN PLAIN ENGLISH: Feeling Caught: Adult Children's Experiences with Parental Infidelity 

Melissa Macomber

WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?

What messages do adult children remember receiving after learning of parental infidelity that encouraged or discouraged feeling caught. In this case, feeling caught is defined as feeling a loyalty conflict between parents, and is also understood as triangulation.

WHO DID THEY ASK?

A qualitative study of 38 individuals with the following characteristics:

  • at least one parent engaged in infidelity

  • ages 19-50

  • 38 people, 16 men, 22 women

  • 84% White

WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?

Volunteers solicited from a large Midwestern University in the United States, as well as social networks, online groups, message boards.

WHEN?

Published in 2014

WHY?

Feeling caught between parents is associated with poor mental health and low family satisfaction. It has been widely studied in the context of children and divorce but not children and infidelity.

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

Messages that discouraged feeling caught

  1. Keeping the conflict between the parents

  2. Parents making an effort to minimize blame: no good guy/bad guy in the partnership


Messages that encouraged feeling caught

1. Children being asked to uncover information about affair

2. Asking the child to act as a mediator between the parents

3. The child having to manage other family member’s opinions about the infidelity

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE:

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST (OR HELPER): This article offers 5 concrete messages to discuss with parents as they communicate with their children about infidelity.


IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: Consider the ways that you speak with your children about your partner and how you may or may not be unintentionally causing your kids to feel caught between you.


IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS: You can help yourself by reminding your parents that you cannot be used as a mediator.

Reference:

Allison R. Thorson (2014) Feeling Caught: Adult Children's Experiences with Parental Infidelity, Qualitative Research Reports in Communication, 15:1, 75-83, DOI: 10.1080/17459435.2014.955595