WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?

How do adult children recall communicating with their parents after discovering parent infidelity, particularly within the context of a family that prefers not to discuss it.

WHO DID THEY ASK?

A qualitative study of 38 people

• at least one parent engaged in infidelity

• ages 19-50

• 16 men, 22 women

• 84% White

WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?

Volunteers solicited from a large Midwestern University in the United States, as well as social networks, online groups, message boards

WHEN?

Published in 2017

WHY?

This study tackles the question of topic avoidance in families coping with parent infidelity. While topic avoidance is common in families, even the perception of it can lead to unhappiness. If families are unable to put traumatic events into words over time this leads to suppression, rumination, and health issues.

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

There are several ways that the adult children in this study recalled communicating with their parents about infidelity, as a way to cope when the issue was not discussed.

1. Communication sanctions on parents, such as calling a parent by their first name, not using terms of endearment (not saying I love you), and the silent treatment.

2. Acting out, such as using personal information to inflict pain on the parent, or to embarrass them in public, and unpredictable angry outbursts directed at the parent. These kinds of outbursts are related to what is called the Fever Model. The Fever Model means that communication is suppressed and then bursts out (like a fever breaking). Children may cope with their parents’ infidelity in isolation for a period of time, until it becomes unbearable to hold in, so the children act out. However, because the children are acting out without actually communicating about the affair, it is still perpetuating the secret of infidelity, thus not actually solving anything for the child.

3. Setting ground rules for interaction, such as who the child will have contact with. For example, an adult child may refuse to attend a family dinner if the affair partner is present.

This research also found that a top down approach of communication does not work, because it does not allow processing. What does this mean? In some families, parents will agree to speak about the infidelity only if they are able to manage how it is discussed. For example, “Yes, your mother cheated. We all can forgive her and move on.” While this does allow the pretense of returning to a ‘normal life’, it does ot allow the child any emotional processing of the event.

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE...

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER, OR HELPER: This article indicates a few signs that your child clients may be coping with parent infidelity based on how they speak with their parents.

IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: Be careful about setting rules for how the infidelity is discussed.

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS: Keep in mind that giving your parents the silent treatment allows you to cope in isolation, away from your parents. While in the short term this may be helpful, in the long term to heal you will need to reach out to someone you trust. 

Reference

Allison R. Thorson (2017) Communication and Parental Infidelity: A Qualitative Analysis of How Adult Children Cope in a Topic-Avoidant Environment, Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 58:3, 175-193, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2017.1300019