Melissa Macomber | What to do When a Parent is Cheating?

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IN PLAIN ENGLISH: Adult Children’s Discovery of Their Parents’ Infidelity

Melissa Macomber

WHICH QUESTION(S) DID THEY ASK?

How do children learn about their parents’ infidelity?

WHO DID THEY ASK?

  • 125 people, 35 men, 90 women

  • at least one parent engaged in infidelity, most reporting on father’s infidelity

  • ages 19-64

  • 78% White

WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?

Volunteers were solicited from a large Midwestern University in the United States, as well as social networks, online groups and message boards.

WHEN?

Published in 2013

WHY?

Previous studies asked only the parents, so this study provides additional understanding on how this information is shared outside of the romantic relationship.

WHAT WAS LEARNED?

There are five principal ways that children learn of their parents’ infidelity:

  1. Offending parent: Tells the child directly

  2. Explicit: Hearing or seeing something, and immediately knowing that it is infidelity

  3. Incremental: Similar to explicit, except that it takes time for the child to realize that what they are discovering is infidelity

  4. Third party discovery: The child learns from someone outside the family 

  5. Family member not involved in the affair: This is the most frequent way that children learn about parent infidelity. 

THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE:

IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER OR HELPER: New to the literature on parent infidelity is the understanding that kids most often learn about parent affairs through another family member, which may mean that other relationships in the family, in addition to the parents, could be helpful to explore with your client.

IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: Consider who else knows that the infidelity, and how your children’s relationships with these people may be affected.

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH CHEATING PARENTS: How did you find out? Do you identify with one of these categories or is there another one? This literature is young, let’s contribute to it!

Reference:

Thorson, Allison. (2013). Adult Children’s Discovery of Their Parents’ Infidelity. Qualitative Communication Research. 2. 61-80. 10.1525/qcr.2013.2.1.61.