The statistical answer is, yes. A number of studies, going back as far as the 1980s, have confirmed that children who grow up with unfaithful parents are more likely to cheat in their own romantic relationships. Most recently, Weiser and Weigel (2017) demonstrated that children who grow up with cheating parents are twice as likely to commit adultery as adults. This is a hot button number, for sure. A deeper look at the research reveals more interesting and hopeful details about infidelity through the generations.

Author’s Note: like most scholarly research, the research used for this post is largely based on participants who are white, heterosexual, and cisgender. The only study I found on same sex relationships can be found here.

The Myths

Let’s start by clearing up a few myths about children of infidelity in romantic relationships.

Myth 1

I know from my parents’ experience with infidelity that it is painful and wrong. There is no way that I will ever cheat.

Research as found that how you as a child of infidelity feel about the rightness or wrongness of adultery has little bearing on if you will actually cheat on your partner. You can fiercely believe that infidelity is bad, and still be twice as likely to cheat.

Myth 2

I have complete confidence and trust in my connection with my partner. I will never cheat.

As a child who grew up with unfaithful parents, research shows that you can be in a great romantic relationship with a person that you trust, and you are still twice as likely to cheat.

How can this be? It sounds like you cannot trust in your beliefs and you cannot trust in your partnership. Not true. You just need to take a closer look at the history of those beliefs and what you learned about coping with the inevitable dips in even the happiest of relationships.

The Realities

Reality 1

The messages that that you received from your family about infidelity formed your beliefs.

For example, you as a grown man may believe that infidelity is wrong. However, in your family, your dad had multiple affairs which embarrassed your mom but were glossed over by both your mom and the rest of your extended family as, ‘no big deal’, or ‘men will be men’. Perhaps your dad was even quietly recognized by others in your community for being sexually attractive or a fun flirt.

Now you, as a child, are in a bind. Particularly if you identify as a boy. You see how your dad’s infidelity hurt your mom, and maybe even yourself. You also observe how the community that you are part of downplays it at the least, or even celebrates it as part of manhood. 

Like it or not, these mixed messages are a part of you. Left unquestioned, they can steamroll over any personal resolve not to cheat in your relationship.

Reality 2

Your parents’ happiness with their relationship trickles down to you.

The researchers were somewhat surprised to find that parents’ happiness (or unhappiness) with their partnership had a unique impact on the likelihood that children of infidelity would cheat.

For example, let’s say that your mama cheated on your mommy, and they worked it out and decided to stay together. If both your moms seem happy and settled with this resolution, then it is likely that you will be too. What if one or both of them still act like they are unhappy being together? Maybe they never spend any time alone together or share a kiss when they reunite, or maybe your mommy even confides in you that she is still angry with your mama. All of these observation may rightly lead you to assume that all is not well.

If your parents cheated and you perceive that your parents were unhappy, you are, still, statistically, twice as likely to cheat in your own relationship.

The Solutions

I can already hear all of the people who grew up with cheating parents and have been happily coupled for 20 years questioning all of this. No one, particularly in Western culture, likes to hear that personal resolve and true love cannot conquer all. 

I think that personal resolve and true love can take you all the way home, as long as you have been honest with yourself about your starting line.

Solution 1

What do you believe? Not your parents, not your community. You.

This means going back to look at all of the messages that your family and community passed on to you about relationships, romance, and sexuality. Overwhelming, right? I recommend a piece of paper and a pen. Take 20 minutes to scribble down what comes to you. Over time, you will find that there are a few common themes that you can work with.

Going back to the first example, if your dad cheated on your mom but was quietly praised for it in your community, it might be important to understand what it means to be a man, to you. If you grew up in a culture that praises men being sexually promiscuous, to avoid cheating on your partner you may need to assert within yourself another way to be masculine. To feel masculine. It could be lifting weights or hauling lumber or even gardening or playing cards. It doesn’t matter what the activity is, it matters that it makes you feel ‘like a man’, so that you do not fall back on what your childhood community communicated to you what manliness was. 

Solution 2

How do you cope with insecurity in a relationship?

No matter how much trust you have in your partner, how much confidence you have in your love relationship, there are going to be periods of turbulence. Children of infidelity often observe that cheating is a way, or maybe even the way, to cope with that conflict. Here is another time to get out that paper and pen (you can tell I am a writer!) and scribble down what you learned from your family about how to deal with disagreement in relationships. 

You may recognize how cheating was an escape hatch for your parent, or a weapon, or a means of expression. In most cases, infidelity is a way to meet some need. It could be for excitement, or to send an angry message, or for more physical affection. In any case, it is a way to cope with unhappiness. Which leads us to…

Solution 3

What makes you happy?

The touchstone for any love relationship, relational satisfaction grows in tandem with personal happiness. While there is loads of great relationship advice out there, as a child of infidelity who does not want to repeat your parents’ patterns, happiness starts with looking at your family. Yep, again. Last time, promise.

Research shows that your parent’s happiness in their own relationship has a big impact on whether or not you will cheat. So, get out that pen again. How did you know your parents were happy, or unhappy? Did they tell you directly, or was it more eye rolls and heavy sighs? What are the parts of their partnership that seemed to work? What parts did not? 

I will use a personal example to bring all of this together. I am a white, heterosexual, cisgendered woman. I grew up in a culture that expects that women defer their own desires to their male partners both sexually and emotionally. From where I sat, my parents marriage mirrored these tenets. Before I questioned whether I believed any of these mandates for women, I would keep my mouth shut about any of my own needs in a relationship, because I wanted to be what a woman was supposed to be. Inevitably, I would have a need that I would refuse to voice directly. I would do it indirectly, by cheating on my boyfriend. It would serve me to get what I needed from a partner, at the same time as maintaining my culturally accepted status as a woman. 

In order to stop cheating, I had to look at this cultural value that I had been raised with and reject it. It helped me to realize why cheating felt ‘better’ to me, in an odd way. It felt safer than actual honesty. I then needed to prioritize my happiness in my relationship and then I had to be brave and express what I needed sexually and emotionally in actual words. Which you would think might be easy for someone who works with words, but was not easy at all.

That was my solution. I promise it is not a myth. 

Already involved in a relationship and been cheated on? Check out this post for help: How to Get Over Someone Cheating