Building a better conversation is a great way to build trust. Trust is such a crucial building block of a healthy relationship, both one that you have, or one that you are working to create, say when you are dating. Learning more about quality conversations will help you both demonstrate trustworthiness, and help you listen better to your date. Which will help you to discern if the person is worth listening to.

While I have written about trust in relationships extensively on my blog (start here!), I have never considered the finer points of how conversations build trust. Enter David Brooks’ book How to Know a Person. It is an optimistic title for a very complex task. Which, to be fair, he acknowledges straight away.

Because the predominant way humans have to express what is going on in our minds and hearts is language, the nuts and bolts of knowing a person get down to conversation. To be honest, while I consider myself pretty socially adept, I had never really considered the ingredients to a quality conversation.

But I always love the idea of learnable, actionable steps for something as important as knowing the people in your life better. Or, people you are interviewing to be a bigger part of your life.

I’ll start with how to have a good talk with someone, and by that, Brooks means one that is not contentious or emotionally challenging. These all apply to someone that you are meeting for the first time, as well as current relationships with friends, family members, even teenagers!

Six Tips for a More Connected Conversation

Pay attention 100%. Which can be a daunting task here in 2024 with screens everywhere. Tune out of tech so you can tune in. Even if you are one of those people who believes that you can totally do two things at once, the reality is that most people will not feel heard if they see you doing something else at the same time.

Talk about something familiar. Brooks points out that while we often think we need to bring up something novel or complex to start an interesting chat, most people would rather discuss something they know about. If it is someone you are meeting for the first time, take cues from what they are wearing or eating or driving. What do you like most about your Apple watch? Do you find those sneakers comfortable for walking all day? What do you like to do on a rainy day? If it is someone close to you, stay familiar but not boring. Instead of how was your day, try, what surprised you the most today?

Be a loud listener. This can take the form of actual words, like, Yes, Yup, I see, Hallelujah, whatever works for you. But according to Brooks it can also be simple nods, grunts, thumbs ups. This is partially about demonstrating understanding, but equally about how it makes the other person feel. If you are commenting, then you must be listening.

Ask specific questions: Once you get someone rolling telling a story about themselves, Brooks suggests asking specific questions about the story they are telling. Most people leave out various details, and asking about them can help you learn more about the person, and also lead to other interesting conversations. What was your mom wearing when she told you? What did you say back to her?

Looping/active listening: If it seems too difficult to ask questions, another strategy is to repeat back what was said to be sure you understood correctly. So, your mom said that she was moving to Cancun and you were surprised?. No, actually, I wasn't, she does that kind of crazy stuff a lot.

The pause: This is the one that is the hardest, I think, at least for me! Brooks notes that most people only listen to the first half of what is said to them, because they spend the second half formulating what they are going to say in response. But because speaking and listening both happen in similar brain areas, once you start thinking about what to say, your ability to listen deteriorates. Ideally, you want to let the person finish and take a few beats before responding.

If you try any of these tips I would love to know how they go for you! Leave me a comment here or find me on Instagram. Thank you so much!

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