The secret is to use your relationship with your parents as a tool to tap into your own authenticity.

I am right in the middle of reading Hua Hsu’s memoir Stay True. I love it so far, in no small part because it tracks his college experience in Northern California in the 1990s, and his description of the pop culture at the time is a perfect mix of endearing and satirical. 

As its title suggests, at its core the book is about creating one's identity and having the courage to share it in this often inhospitable world. Interestingly, Hsu points out that this whole concept of individual identity is relatively new. For generations, you were born into your position in life and largely, you stayed there. Whether this was because of say, the feudal system, where if you were born a serf you stayed one throughout your life. Or, because of family traditions such as, the youngest child stays at home to care for the aging parents. Not to mention religious mandates that a woman must marry and follow the rules of her husband. 

I am sure I don’t need to tell you that many of these practices have been scattered to the wind, and largely this is a good thing. It does leave a void, which has been filled by the current modern obsession with self-discovery (guilty!). The idea of finding that essence of what makes you yourself is often called authenticity.

But here is the reality. While individualism is the hallmark of many cultures (especially in the US), it is not for all. Collectivism is also alive and well. (For more on collectivism, read this post) Collectivism, briefly, is the belief that you should prioritize others over yourself, goals should be shared by the group, and harmony and cohesion are valued over individual preferences. What I hear from a lot of adult children of cheating parents from cultures that prize collectivism is that they are crushed by the betrayal, but leaving their family is just not an option.

So, what do you do? How do you cope with the betrayal but not cut off your family? 

The solution is simple, but not easy. Use your relationship with your parents as a way to grow your own authenticity. Think of the relationship as a tool that is difficult to work with, but that helps you in the long run. Like that really difficult pilates class that you do not enjoy, but gives you the core strength that you need. 

There are a couple of ways to do this. 

Focus on the parts of your relationship with your parents that do work

This works particularly well if you know about the affair, but the rest of your family does not, and you have good reason not to share your secret. Often adult or teenage children in this situation will feel terribly inauthentic carrying around this secret, which only adds to the mental, emotional, and physical stress of bearing the burden.

But if you reframe what you are doing as prioritizing the relational aspects of secrecy, everything changes. Now by keeping the secret, you are gaining group harmony and cohesion. If you're putting someone’s best interest over your own, it is no longer an issue of authenticity, but priority. 

You are exercising that aspect of yourself that values collectivism. 

Use the conflict with your parents to help you define yourself

This works if the secret is out and it is causing lots of family conflict, but you do not feel that you can walk away. It works particularly well for older teens and young adults, because they are usually trying to figure out a lot of things about what they want their adult life to be. Things like where to live, what job to do, what kind of relationship to have. 

And it works because authenticity and individualism only happens in relationship with others. As Hsu writes, “Even though all of this (searching for your identity) sounds very navel-gazing, being true to yourself cannot happen in a vacuum. Constructing your personality is a game, one that requires you to joust with the expectations of others.” (p.81)

Perhaps your greatest teachers for how to be truly yourself, are the parents in front of you.

Ok, so you may recognize that this idea has some merit, but how the hell do you make it work? When you are so hurt by your parents that you don’t know how to be with them? Or there is so much arguing going on that you can barely stand to be around them?

Go Slow and Set Boundaries

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Start with thinking about the boundaries that would feel good to you, or where you are willing to compromise. (For more on how to do that, read this post) For example, you may never want to speak with your cheating dad again. But, you do not feel like you can cut him off completely. So, think about how much time is realistic. Can you have a phone conversation for 10 minutes? Text once a week? Meet him for coffee?

Ask Questions and Dig Deeper

There are no right or wrong boundaries, and everyone will feel differently. When you do have contact, what are the things about him that drive you the most crazy?

Maybe it is that he has lied to your mom. Or maybe that he has put the family in jeopardy. He is acting in a way that you deem unacceptable. Totally get it. But your task is to dig a little deeper.

Why did he cheat on your mom? Did his dad cheat on his mom? Was he upset about something at work? This is not to condone his behavior, but for you to better understand the infidelity. As well as your dad. 

Because once you understand your dad a little better, you can start to define yourself in relationship to him. For example, if your grandfather cheated and your dad followed in his footsteps, what will you do differently to be sure that you break the pattern, rather than continue it? 

Define Your Own Authenticity

Once you have a better sense of what role the affair played for your parents, you can start to think about who you are both as separate from them and like them. Perhaps there are aspects of your parents’ relationship that were good, that you would like to emulate. Others that you want to do differently. Write them down. Ask yourself, if you want to do something differently, how will you go about that? What are some concrete steps that you can take. For example, if you do not wantto repeat a pattern, read about intergenerational infidelity. If you want more honest relationships, take a look at how to be vulnerable. In the end, you are asking the question…

What makes you, you? What will you Stay True to? 

Want to Know More?

I am working on creating a resource for adult children who are coping with a parent’s affair and I need your help! What help do you need? Email me or hop on a call with me and let me know. Not a sales call, I promise, I want to be sure what I offer is what you need.