You have just found out that one or both of your parents is cheating. What do you do? In a previous post, I recommend the first three steps to take before confronting your parents. Parental infidelity is most often a taboo topic within families. Speaking with your parent about their affair requires thought, planning, not to mention courage. If you do want to broach the topic, here are four common parent reactions prevalent in the parental infidelity research. After each reaction are some tips on how to handle them.

DO NOT DISTURB: PARENT INFIDELITY IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS

Your parent may well not want to discuss this topic with you. Many people believe that an affair is an issue for the couple alone, and is no one else’s business. Parents are often understandably embarrassed to discuss their infidelity and their sexual lives with their children.

How to Handle it

Remind your parents that infidelity effects the entire family, not just the couple.  Explain why you need to have the conversation. It is not likely that knowing the physical or sexual details of the affair will help you feel any better, and your parent may be more willing to open up if they know that you are not asking them to share this information. As a child (of any age), what you need to know is how the parent’s infidelity will effect you.

THE TOP DOWN APPROACH

In some families, parents take an authoritarian stance, dictating the ‘solution’ for the entire family. In this case, the topic of the affair may not be taboo, but only certain responses are allowed. For example, the cheating parent must be forgiven quickly so that the family can move on.

This may work for some families, particularly if examining the affair will cause a loss of financial or physical stability. For others, this will hamper any real coping, leaving feelings bottled up, rather than worked through.

How to handle it

If you are financially or physically dependent on your parents, it may be difficult to stand up to their solution. Begin with acknowledging to yourself that their way is not right for you, and explore why. It may be, for example, that you are still afraid that your dad will abandon the family one day, if he received forgiveness before he took any genuine ownership for his cheating behavior. Once you understand your own feelings, you will be better able to articulate them to your parents. Remember that as an adult, you no longer need to follow your parents rules about taboo topics or knee-jerk forgiveness.

BE MY CONFIDANT

Another common reaction is for your parent to ask you to take their side. This request can take several different forms. For example, the cheating parent may ask you to keep their secret. Or, the victimized parent might ask you to spy for them. Either parent might put you in the middle of an argument or implore your support or sympathy.

How to handle it.

Just say no. Research shows, repeatedly, that sticking kids in the middle of their parents leads to unhappy kids and poor parent-child relationships into adulthood. Not to mention that it does not help save the parents’ relationship. Staying out of the middle will require you to clearly describe to your parents what you will and will not do for them. It may also mean that you need to reinforce these boundaries a few times before your parents respect them.

LIAR, LIAR

Sometimes, parents lie about an affair in order to save face with their children and families. Even when they are confronted by a child who has concrete evidence of the parent infidelity. Worse, sometimes the parent will accuse the child of lying about their knowledge of the affair.

How to handle it

This is the toughest of the bunch, and indicates a real unwillingness for honest conversation. Do not lose faith in yourself and what you know to be true. Understand that your parents could have motives for lying that they believe are in your best interest. For example, keeping the family together, or protecting you from painful information. Which is not to say that they should be lying to you.

Research has shown that how a family discusses infidelity is as important as the act of infidelity itself. Congratulate yourself for considering beginning this difficult conversation, even if your parents are not on board. In the long run, your willingness to seek the truth will help you recover from the pain that your parents’ infidelity may cause.

Continue reading the next post on The Four Factors to Consider Before Confronting a Parent Affair.