IN PLAIN ENGLISH: Adult Children’s Experiences with their Parent’s Infidelity: Communicative Protection and Access Rules in the Absence of Divorce
WHICH QUESTIONS DID THEY ASK?
How do family members create the rules about how to share information about an affair, both within the family and outside of it
WHO DID THEY ASK?
A qualitative study with participants with the following characteristics:
13 adults ages 19-32
5 male, 8 female
parents who experienced infidelity and stayed married
10/13 Caucasian
learned of affair between 2 weeks and 21 years
WHERE WAS THE STUDY CONDUCTED?
Participants were solicited from three Midwestern University in the United States
WHEN?
Published in 2009
WHY?
To understand how is knowledge of parental infidelity managed by the children
WHAT WAS LEARNED?
There are rules to manage who knows about the infidelity both within the family, and outside the family. The more than infidelity is considered taboo in a culture, the more stringent the rules are.
Within the family, knowledge of an affair is kept secret to both manage stress and to keep the family together. Five factors determine if and how knowledge of an affair is shared within the family:
context: for example, it may be more ok to discuss the infidelity when seeing a movie that features it
gender: children are more likely to discuss infidelity with mom than dad
age: often, the infidelity is only discussed among adults, to protect younger children
physical environment: often, it does not feel safe to discuss infidelity at home
word choice: often families will use other terms, such as ‘the event’, ‘that time’ to keep from using more emotionally laden terms like infidelity, affair, or cheating
THE TAKEAWAY IN ONE SENTENCE
IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, TEACHER OR HELPER: in order to facilitate a conversation between family members, it may be helpful to keep some of these rules in mind. For example, if an adult child of infidelity wants to confront a cheating parent, suggest doing so outside the home.
IF YOU ARE A PARENT INVOLVED WITH INFIDELITY: This research suggests that infidelity adds a layer of secret information in a family that needs to be managed. This takes effort for the family members, and creates stress. You as a parent can model how the information is shared in a healthy way, removing the burden from the children.
IF YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO GREW UP WITH FIGHTING AND/OR CHEATING PARENTS: Recognize that infidelity adds a layer of secret information in a family that needs to be managed, which takes mental and emotional effort and can cause stress.
Reference:
Allison R. Thorson (2009) Adult Children’s Experiences with their Parent’s Infidelity: Communicative Protection and Access Rules in the Absence of Divorce, Communication Studies, 60:1, 32-48, DOI: 10.1080/10510970802623591