(OR YOUR MOM’S. THIS ADVICE WORKS FOR ANY PARENT INFIDELITY SCENARIO)

Your dad cheated and your mom does not know. Your mom cheated on her partner and they are fighting like wild cats. It feels like your house is on fire and you can’t stop worrying about it.

Infidelity throws the entire family into turmoil, so it is completely understandable that the situation and all of its possible outcomes would be taking up some serious real estate in your brain. However, thinking about your situation gets worse when it becomes rumination. Rumination can be defined as recurring and intrusive thoughts that disrupt your life. Specific research on rumination and parent infidelity shows that the more you ruminate on your parent’s cheating, the less happy you are, and the more susceptible you are to physical health issues. On top of that, ruminating about an affair can cause even more damage to your relationship with your parents, both now and for the future.

The good news is that managing rumination is entirely within your control. Your parent’s relationship does not need to change one bit. (According to the research, your parents’ relationship status has little to do with rumination. It is the rumination that creates the negative outcome, not your parents getting divorced.) It all has to do with how you look at your thoughts.

Recognize the ways that your parents may be making it worse

Research shows that parents’ behavior can make child rumination worse, specifically, putting their kids in the middle and oversharing of information. Consider setting some boundaries with your parents, such as refusing to talk to one parent for the other, or asking that they not share certain details with you. I recognize that this is easier said than done. This will be a topic for a future post.

Get clear on how the ruminating benefits you

Wait, what? Yup, it’s true. Ruminating does have benefits. Maybe you feel like the affair is somehow your fault (it’s not), so thinking about it all the time is a way to punish yourself. Or maybe you feel like your whole family is falling apart, and if you can just keep thinking about the infidelity, you will figure out a way to save everyone. Often, rumination is a way to feel like you have some control over a situation where you feel helpless. One of the reasons that I ruminated so much growing up was that when the affair came to light, my family and community scattered, and I missed everyone. Ruminating was a way to feel close to the people I missed, if only in my head.

Recognize what you think about most and when

Try to view your situation as a detective. Are there certain scenarios that you go over and over again in your head? Maybe yelling at your dad’s lover, or packing up your bags and moving out forever. Also notice other triggers to ruminating. Are there certain times of day, locations, smells, foods, even. Don’t try to change anything at this point, just notice what sets your brain running.

Remove labels and steamroll generalizations

Think about the difference in saying. “My dad is a cheater” and “My dad cheated”. The first is a characterization, while the second is a behavior. Characterizations tend to shut your brain down from possibilities, while behaviors allow for more options. Are there times when your dad does not cheat? When he does do what he says he will? Like maybe he goes to work on time every day, or never fails to buy you a birthday gift.

This also includes statements like, “My mother never loved him.” or “My family will never be the same.” Question those thoughts. Are you sure that your mother never loved your dad? What about before you were born? How do you know? Are there ever things that demonstrate that your mom does love him?

Another way to look at this exercise is to force yourself to name 2 positives for every negative of the situation. Dad cheated on mom, AND he is great at dominos AND he takes good care of the dog.

The goal of this little exercise is not to deny the truth, or create any false sense of “Everything is awesome!”. Obviously, there are times where it will all feel a little forced, or like a stretch. The goal is simply to keep your brain from going into a spiral of negative thoughts, by recognizing that not everything is bad all the time. Think of it as finding the gray, rather than looking at everything constantly in black and white.

Figure out What You Can Actually Control

As I have written before, generally, when it comes to parent infidelity, kids, particularly kids under age 18, have very little control over their parents’ relationship. It is easy to take this fact and thread it through the rest of your life, and start to feel like everything just happens to you and you are powerless.

One way to stop that line of thinking is to do a Locus of Control Exercise. I recommend watching this video for a great example. To summarize, it is an exercise that helps you think about what you do have control over, what you do not have control over, and where you may have some influence. It can be very helpful to help you stop ruminating on the aspects of your life that you don't have any control over.

For kids of infidelity, this exercise can help you see what you do have control of in your life. For example, maybe you are in control over what you eat for breakfast or if you join the soccer team. While these are not huge in the context of a parent affair, it does show you that you are not actually powerless over everything.

The second piece is recognizing that you will not be a kid forever, and you will, eventually, have control over how much contact you have with your parents. What do you want your life to be like when your parents no longer have that control? What kind of relationships do you want with them?

Do not let yourself think without taking action

Rather than continuing to ask yourself, Why did this affair happen? Ask yourself, What is one thing I can do that will make myself feel better about the situation?

This could take the form of doing something extra kind for your betrayed parent. Or maybe baking cookies for your sister. Or maybe it is some way that you can take care of yourself by doing something that makes you happy.

Another way to look at this is to do the opposite of what you are angry about.

If you are angry about the lying, then look for one way to be truthful in your life. If Mom treats Dad poorly, you treat someone well.

Rather than replaying your parents behavior, actively look for ways to act differently. This will likely not affect your parent’s affair at all, but it will help you to create the life that you want for yourself.

Share share share

Often, sharing the truth about your parent’s affair is super difficult, especially with family or even close friends. Research shows that finding even one person to share your secret with can help decrease rumination, and help you to feel better.

With these tips you will be on your way to coping with your parent’s infidelity no matter its outcome. Not to mention you will be building the brain habits that you need to create the life that you want for yourself, even if it feels far away sometimes.